5 Strategies That Help You Ditch Free-Time Guilt and Enjoy Your Life
Free-time guilt is pervasive and a waste of energy, but you don't have to accept it
Humans feel guilt at the weirdest, most non-sensical things.
Feeling guilty when we’re on our free time or holidays came up in an X/Twitter conversation last week.
I post daily about burnout symptoms, burnout recovery and creative expression to help reduce stress and improve wellbeing - and I still feel guilty for having free time.
It makes no sense if you look at it objectively:
I have a busy full-time day job in financial services
I have a side hustle coaching business I’m scaling
I am studying for an art-based coaching diploma
I exercise and try to socialise with people I care about
Add the usual life admin and other random stuff and it makes sense to have free time.
So why do I feel guilty when I have it?
Free time is time that is spent away from obligation (e.g., paid or unpaid work, study) and necessity (e.g., eating, sleeping).
It can also be defined in regard to activities––specific activities that people in general enjoy and thus view as leisurely, such as watching TV, reading, and listening to music.
Sometimes leisure also refers to states of mind, that is, intrinsic motivation and freedom for the experience of flow.
Hyunjin J. Koo
Our 24/7 culture and obsession with productivity means we can’t stand being ‘unproductive’, or not producing output and building efficiencies into our lives.
As usual, being unable to tolerate discomfort and self-judgment creep in as a stick to beat ourselves with.
Many knowledge workers still expect to work like factory workers did back in the 18-19th Centuries.
But our brains and bodies can’t keep up with that approach when we work like this.
This comment thread sent me down a research rabbit-hole and I discovered that free-time guilt is everywhere (it’s also known as leisure-time guilt).
Post-COVID, we’ve travelled through the Great Resignation, and we’re now in the Great Exhaustion.
My own worklife is testament to this, as is my burnout coaching with business owners and leaders - everyone who survived the last few years is just knackered. We’re scared to stop or slow down though.
Something has to give.
This article aims to give you some sweet relief so you embrace stepping back to recharge without the niggling annoyance of guilt to enjoy your life.
Or if guilt does appear, it’s OK to ignore it.
What drives guilt?
Most of us feel or experience guilt in our lives, and although there are similar drivers and psychological and physiological impacts, individual and cultural differences exist.
Guilt is a self-conscious emotion characterised by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong.
A self-conscious emotion is an emotion generated when events reflect on the worth or value of the self in one’s own or others’ eyes.
American Psychological Association
Guilt is consequently described as a social emotion, which elicits physiological changes such as increased heart rate, sweating, and activation of the autonomic nervous system (ANS).
The ANS works automatically and primarily focused on managing core body systems We can influence it but indirectly such as using breath control. It has two branches that work in balance - the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system.
The sympathetic ANS mobilises when we have to activate our mind and body to deal with a stressor or challenge, and the parasympathetic kicks in to bring our system back to baseline. This see-saw process is often what you pick up in your physical sensations moment to moment.
Depending on the intensity and duration of guilt, it can have long-term effects on health and wellbeing. Repeated guilt erodes our sense of self-worth, relationships with others and increases anxiety and stress (our sympathetic ANS ramps up more often).
The longer-term impact of guilt changes our behaviour, and we may start doing unhelpful coping strategies e.g. turning to drink to reduce the impact of discomfort, or isolating ourself so we don’t get exposed to events related to guilt.
Why do we have a problem with free time?
More and more people work in the knowledge economy - we aren’t creating or processing physical products necessarily, but create solutions, services or products that share and disseminate knowledge or information.
The advancement of digital devices and 24/7 availability means we don’t have to physically or mentally switch off.
Early in my career after graduating (the early 2000s!), I’d leave the office at 5.30pm and go home, to the gym or catch up with mates. Work remained at work because I had no physical way to do anything else with it.
I had a crappy Nokia phone with a tiny screen which could play snake and send simple text messages or photos. It did its job.
I connected as much as I needed to, and I could call when I was running late for a meeting - this is an ongoing issue :(
Fast-forward to last Friday and into the weekend - I finished my day job, where I log onto the company network from my laptop in my home office, and then switch to my personal laptop to coach virtual clients from my home office.
I’m now sat downstairs on that personal laptop writing this article. If I wanted to check my work email, it would take me 30 seconds. I could check my iPhone and work on my laptop for another 8 hours today if I really wanted to (I don’t!).
The fact the boundaries and work vs personal life segregation is left to me, opens us up to so many opportunities to get into unhealthy habits.
If I believe I have to be on top of all my to do items and put other people’s needs before mine (I do have this tendency), I can easily give into the discomfort drivers and keep working until I feel like I’m on top of things.
I likely never feel like I am on top of everything however. My self-worth is impacted negatively as a result, and I feel guilty because I have let myself and others down.
In my tired and exhausted state, I realise I need a break so watch TV or read a book. But that niggling guilt eats away in the back of my mind and I feel worse for stepping away because I’m not ticking off my obligations.
Additionally, if I have a demanding boss or clients that expect me to work all the hours under the sun, and I don’t feel comfortable saying no, I’m more likely to blur the lines between work and free time.
This is at the core of free-time or leisure guilt. There is a push and pull between internal and external expectations that are likely never met.
Leisure guilt (or free-time guilt), is defined as an experience or state of feeling guilty, distressed, or bad about spending time leisurely over productively.
Hyunjin J. Koo
A constant issue that drives the rise in poor mental health and wellbeing is trying to translate the Victorian Industrial Age drive for efficiency and productivity into the Knowledge Age.
The key challenge is you can replace the parts and grease the wheels of a weaving or car assembly machine relatively easily, but how do you do that with a human generating or working in a Knowledge-based industry?
We either have to take time out or work more efficiently.
This leads us back to that internal versus external conflict that opens us up to unhelpful thoughts, habits and behaviours.
You have to see productivity differently
The productivity gurus have translated our requirement to work more efficiently from the Victorian factories to 21st Century extremes. The perfect morning, evening, daytime routine. Increase focus 10x. Recycle content to post across your socials! Have it all by being a successful CEO, best mother, amazing friend, and charity worker! And so it continues.
Seriously, it’s no wonder we’re all exhausted.
I feed into this too. I’m writing about how to improve your life one change at a time, by using your brain differently.
That’s because I recognise the increased need in this Knowledge Age to improve our ability to use our brains, minds and bodies differently, but without destroying ourselves whilst we do it.
This comes from a very personal place because I’ve habitually burned out when I’ve ignored my own advice and given in to unhelpful beliefs and habits.
I subscribe to the slow productivity movement promoted by Cal Newport and Oliver Burkeman. The latter’s book, Four Thousand Weeks is a great reminder about the ongoing existential conflict we grapple with, or ignore, daily.
If we live to 80 years old, that is around Four Thousand Weeks on the planet. So do we want to be the most productive, efficient person who gets all their tasks done?
Or do we accept we can’t get everything done and instead, choose the most important things that build a good life and focus on enhancing or enjoying those?
As I get older, and realise not everyone is built to be a 5am productivity superstar, it’s important to highlight a different approach. Even the productivity gurus espouse the importance of a simple life.
They have the financial freedom to focus on what’s actually important when we look back, based on asking those who have lived long lives - health, family and relationships, helping others, and living according to our values.
Free time is key to having a good life and restoring your mind and body to keep going as effectively as possible. By properly switching off from work or other productive obligations, you allow your mind to daydream, take in new inputs and enjoy the fruits of your labour.
This becomes a feed-forward process. The more you enjoy life, your wellbeing improves and ironically, you become more productive - creativity, problem-solving and decision-making improve. Memory functions more reliably and the better your quality of sleep, the more effectively you’ll process emotional content and reduce distress.
Who knew, right?! Ah, the irony.
Instead, our skewed personal and societal beliefs drive us in the other direction so we need to squeeze and eke every drop of efficiency out of the day, minimise rest and ignore free time as a messed up badge of honour
We limp along like zombies and vampire day walkers believing it’s a good thing - zombieness is next to godliness.
This doesn’t seem worth it. The younger generations have observed the rest of us driving ourselves into the ground and roundly reject it from what I can see.
They’re likely onto something in this case.
Reframe free time and give yourself permission to enjoy it
As with almost all mental and behavioural change, we need to challenge our internal assumptions and unhelpful beliefs, and decide which cultural and societal expectations to accept.
This is why change is so hard.
We know we want to be someone or somewhere else. Using a sailing metaphor, we decide which island we want to sail to.
Great.
We set sail, but end up sailing all over the seas, put the anchor down in the wrong place, pick up random passengers and cut down our sails to use as hammocks. Then we get confused about why we’ve ended up at the wrong island.
This might seem like a flippant example but it’s generally what happens. We aren’t even conscious we’re doing it until we stop and reflect.
Imagine how much better it is to take breaks now and then, and decide if you’re still on course or doing unhelpful things. If you catch it quickly enough, you can course-correct and hit the beach you want to be on sooner.
My call to you in this article is to do exactly that.
To get to the island you want to be on in life, you must take breaks, enjoy your free time, and give yourself a chance to make changes if you need or want to.
If you can’t give yourself permission to do that, I’ll give it to you as someone who’d love you to use your Four Thousand Weeks more wisely.
Staying on the choppy seas with your eyes closed does not work.
It’s OK to have a good life and not have to ‘earn’ it or feel like you don’t deserve it.
5 strategies to ditch your free-time guilt
Now you have permission to enjoy your free time, you can also ditch the guilt related to this free time. But permission is only the first step.
Here are 5 strategies you can use to ditch your free-time guilt:
Mindfulness and present-moment awareness:
Use mindfulness tools to become more aware of your thoughts and emotions, so you experience free time activities without being consumed by guilt.
Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, promote relaxation and reduce feelings of anxiety or guilt.
If you’re not into sitting quietly to be mindful, go for a mindful hike or cycle ride. Turn off your devices and tap into your senses instead to feel more alive.
Being in the present moment helps you enjoy your free time activities without judgment or self-criticism.
Self-Compassion and Acceptance:
Practising self-compassion helps alleviate feelings of guilt to promote emotional wellbeing. Research suggests that being nicer to yourself is less stressful than berating yourself like a drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket (great movie btw).
Treating yourself kindly and with understanding cultivates a more forgiving attitude towards engaging in free time activities
Accepting that you need free time supports the importance of self-care for overall health - you don’t need to be controlled or defined by the guilt. A healthier brain and body functions better - fact.
Cognitive Defusion:
This is an Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) based approach, like many of these strategies. Cognitive defusion involves distancing yourself from unhelpful thoughts and emotions. When experiencing guilt about free time, you can use cognitive defusion techniques to recognise your thoughts as passing mental events rather than absolute truths. Thoughts are like the radio playing in the background - you can tune in and out of them.
For example, you might notice the thought "I should be working" without becoming entangled in its judgment. Instead, you could say “I’m having the thought that I should be working, but this is unhelpful right now”. Don’t get sucked into thinking loops that don’t help.
Goal Setting and Planning:
It might seem counter-productive to set specific goals for free time - generally you don’t want to be as productive or have obligations! However, it might help to take a structured approach and incorporate free time into daily or weekly schedules. This helps you prioritise self-care activities and reduce guilt - you’ve given yourself permission to use time in this way.
You can align free time according to your energy patterns too. I’m pretty useless after lunch so no point forcing myself to be productive. Whilst studying, I realised I should just do something else during this time and the guilt drifted away. This goes back to giving yourself permission too.
Timebox, plan and allocate dedicated time for free time activities, to create a sense of balance between work, responsibilities, and relaxation.
Social Support and Accountability:
One of the best ways to change and shift difficult emotions is to find support from friends, family members, or focused groups. This helps you navigate feelings of guilt associated with free time with others.
You can validate and seek reassurance for how you’re feeling, which reinforces the value and importance of self-care and free time activities for overall wellbeing.
I recently went on a spa day break with my best friend. It was a great way to do something together and we reduced any guilt by realising this was important for our friendship and living a valued life.
I hope you’re able to integrate some or all of these strategies into your daily and weekly routine to change your approach to free time.
They will help you challenge your feelings of guilt and enjoy the life you’re working so hard to build. Turn those difficult emotions into something more positive and meaningful over time - you deserve it.🚀
What free time activity will you choose and how will you ditch your free-time guilt?
Great article and very helpful too. Enjoying life is important. That is why productivity is important, so you can have the free time to enjoy life.