Break Free From The Hidden Hypocrisy Of Leadership Under Pressure

Staying authentic under pressure isn’t easy so use self-compassion and vulnerability to escape guilt and shame

Photo by Mubariz Mehdizadeh on Unsplash

I praised the company during the interview, but inside, I was screaming about how terrible it really was.

When I’m stressed, burned out, or frustrated, keeping a poker face is a losing battle.

My colleagues call it ‘Scrappy Doo mode’ - I wear my heart on my sleeve, for better or worse.

During daily commercial negotiations, I’m hyper-aware of my emotional ‘leakage,’ adding another layer of complexity to an already demanding day job role.

I hate feeling hypocritical - even when I know it’s just a professional mask. This double-edged need to ‘keep it together’ only fuels a vicious cycle of guilt and shame.

Turns out, I’m not alone. Many of my coaching clients feel the same tug-of-war leading under pressure while grappling with their inner turmoil.

In fact, nearly 70% of executives report burnout, with many struggling to ‘keep up appearances.’

We aspire to be leaders with purpose, but raising the bar impossibly high only drains us.

Sustainable leadership requires self-compassion and selective vulnerability, helping us lead authentically, without breaking ourselves in the process.

The burden of leading by example

You have a lot on your plate - strategic decisions, operational issues, managing interpersonal conflicts, providing support to your team or associates, and juggling your own workload.

Under pressure and chronic stress, the mental and physical demands makes it increasingly difficult to handle everyday tasks.

Your memory slips, your decision-making becomes inconsistent and you may find yourself inadvertently snapping at others.

Have you ever lashed out at someone asking for help, feeling like it was just one more burden? I know have.

Then, on reflection, you regret pushing back because it doesn’t feel like you. You barely recognise who you’ve become.

Emotional exhaustion impairs your mental flexibility and ability to change, leaving you less present for your loved ones as you drift into distraction and distance.

In this state, it’s no surprise that staying upbeat and motivating for your team or clients feels like an uphill battle. With this internal struggle, it’s hard to project positivity and create a supportive atmosphere for others.

Leadership feels like a burden rather than an opportunity to leverage your unique skills and talents for meaningful outcomes.

I felt this during my new-hire interviews. The tension ratcheted up between my desire to build a great team and the awareness that the culture and environment were far from optimal, coupled with the urge to protect others from it.

It becomes a millstone around your neck, dragging you down instead of a rocket booster propelling you toward higher goals.

The emotional toll of authenticity in dark times

Authentic leadership describes a style rooted in your genuine values, beliefs, and personality. Authentic leaders are more self-aware, transparent and ethical, prioritising honesty and integrity in their actions.

Teams led by authentic leaders are more engaged and motivated. This increases performance, creativity and productivity. Great stuff, right?

Research suggests companies with authentic leaders have a 26% higher profit margin than those with less authentic leadership styles.

From an employee retention perspective, companies with a strong culture of authenticity experience 30% lower turnover rates compared to those de-emphasising authentic leadership.

Authentic leaders build relationships and inspire others through trust and empathy, creating an environment where individuals feel valued and safe to express themselves.

This makes it essential for us to act in alignment with our true selves. When we don’t, we struggle mentally, physically and emotionally.

If we’re insecure about how others see us, or believe our self-worth requires external validation, we’re at risk of self-criticism and self-punishment.

Emotional self-flagellation adds to the stress we’re already under - it’s the double arrow of suffering from Buddhist teachings:

1. The first ‘arrow’ is the unavoidable pain we face;

2. Our harsh self-judgment is the second ‘arrow,’ deepening the hurt and making everything worse.

We become better leaders by feeling deeply and empathising with others.

However, under pressure and without effective self-care, our sensitivity can weigh us down and hinder our leadership talents.

The trust dilemma with burnout and team dynamics

I’ve witnessed first-hand how a burned-out leader’s behaviour unintentionally affects their team’s morale.

They feel like they’re letting their team down, drowning under pressure and struggling to keep up.

This emotional burden ripples outward, leaving their team feeling stressed and burned out as they absorb their boss’s strain.

The team finds themselves working less effectively and becomes an easy target for blame when issues arise.

I’ve been there myself and it’s sad to see this cycle unfold.

Inconsistent leadership undermines trust; instead of feeling protected and inspired, team members feel threatened and exposed, prioritising their own sanity and health over the group’s needs.

As psychological safety erodes, interpersonal conflicts intensify, and team bonding suffers. Employee retention rates drop, as people choose to quit rather than stay in a toxic environment.

If they don’t, they become the complainer who brings everyone else down even more. As a leader, this makes your job harder still and perpetuates the vicious cycle.

I’ve noticed this with clients, too. When they lose confidence in the product or service they’re receiving, they take their business elsewhere, seeking trust and reliability.

It’s why we must prioritise our own wellbeing before attempting to support others. This isn’t a ‘nice to have’. It affects your bottom-line, impact and reputation.

I’ve always appreciated the analogy of putting on your oxygen mask first before helping others in case of turbulence on a plane.

It’s a simple yet practical reminder: you can’t stay alert and effective if you lose consciousness.

Being dead weight doesn’t help anyone in the long run.

Imposter syndrome fuelled by burnout perpetuates a vicious cycle

When we’re under pressure, excess energy often channels inward or outward. You might notice a mental version of the ‘fight or flight’ stress response kicking in, leading to negative self-talk or blaming others.

This reaction intensifies based on core beliefs. If you grew up thinking you had to ‘have it all together’ to avoid rejection or feeling unworthy, those thoughts really ramp up when stressed out.

Your inner critic bellows, and you set impossible standards for yourself and others, feeling frustrated when expectations aren’t met. This cycle triggers waves of shame and guilt, leaving you feeling inadequate.

Imposter syndrome sneaks in, making you feel like a hypocrite and drowning in self-doubt. You might overwork to compensate or give lip service to others’ wellbeing needs while neglecting your own. It feels awful, doesn’t it?

The urge to isolate grows as you dodge social interactions, afraid you’ll have to hide how you truly feel. Staying busy becomes a way to numb those difficult emotions.

You know burnout has taken hold when you detach from those around you. Isolation offers a temporary relief but quickly turns into an unhealthy coping strategy.

I often find myself wondering why we fall into behaviours that push us away from productivity and wellbeing when the opposite is crucial. Life’s paradox.

This struggle explains why we take too long to seek help; we don’t recognise how our habits, though offering fleeting relief, make things worse.

By recognising this cycle, we begin to break it.

Prioritising self-care, seeking support, and accepting our feelings helps us regain balance and become the leaders we aspire to be.

Break the cycle: use self-compassion and selective vulnerability as leadership tools

Depending on your burnout patterns and where you focus your recovery energy, you might shift your mindset, try behavioural experiments, or improve your biology and emotional fitness.

You always have a choice in how to restore yourself, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

In my experience, combining these approaches is most effective, but you don’t have to tackle everything at once.

Limit yourself to trying one or two new activities at a time - anything more feels overwhelming and gives you an excuse not to start.

Here are a couple of ideas to try:

• Self-compassion:

Research by Dr. Kristen Neff shows that when leaders allow themselves to acknowledge limitations without shame, it has a transformative effect.

Here’s what works for me when my inner critic gets loud: I do a daily check-in to assess stress levels and identify main stressors.

Then, I reframe negative self-talk from “I’m failing to keep up” to “I’m doing my best under tough conditions.”

It cuts the intensity, and talking to myself as I would a friend takes the edge off and reduces guilt. I realise I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have.

These quick check-ins reduce burnout’s emotional toll and prevents me from piling onto my own stress.

• Selective vulnerability:

As authentic leaders, we need real connection; suffering in silence only compounds our pain.

But sharing every challenge isn’t the answer. Instead, selective vulnerability - sharing a specific struggle or boundary with peers or our team - helps us connect more authentically without overwhelming others.

Letting your team see you’re human builds trust. It’s easier for others to respect and relate to a leader who’s affected by challenges, not invulnerable or uncaring.

But, get the balance right so you don’t become an emotional geyser.

By sharing selectively, you model healthier behaviours, foster psychological safety, and make it OK for others to openly share their own struggles.

And remember, you don’t have to do this alone - give others the chance to contribute and develop their skills instead of locking them out.

Key takeaways

Burnout drains leaders’ ability to make clear decisions, empathise, and genuinely inspire their teams.

Chronic stress piles on self-doubt, guilt, and even hypocrisy - you feel like a fraud, which makes inspiring others even harder.

It undermines trust and drags the very qualities that make you effective.

This impact is worsened by the ‘double arrow’ of suffering:

• the initial stress hits hard, but the inner critic’s harsh judgment lands the second blow, deepening the pain and blocking resilience.

Break this cycle by embracing authentic leadership your way, and prioritising self-care as a non-negotiable.

Apply these tools to ease tension:

1. Self-compassion and boundary-setting to protect you from inner and outer stress.

2. Selectively vulnerability - sharing just enough of the struggle - to create a space for trust, team bonding, and real psychological safety.

Adjusting your self-talk, staying connected, and valuing your own limits eases the mental load when you’re under pressure.

These help you lead with clarity, keep morale high, and make an impact without burning out.

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