Tired Of Doing More Than Your Share? The Science Behind Why You Can't Stop And What To Do Instead

Make a few shifts to regain time, control and ditch guilt when you're all things to everyone

Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash

I have a habit of overworking and struggling to say no. If something needs fixing or doing, I'm typically first in line, even though I know I'll pay for it later.

At the day job, it's become a running joke among colleagues: "Give it to Sabs - she'll sort it."

I dive in to coordinate, connecting the dots, and solving problems.

I don't delegate as much because, after a day crammed with back-to-back meetings, it feels quicker to do it myself.

Plus, I diligently take and chase up actions to keep things moving, as I hate letting people down.

Sound familiar?

Ever noticed that no matter how much extra you do, you’re still the one left holding the extra workload?

• You jump in because you're capable.

• You take it on yourself because "it's quicker."

• You say yes because being seen as difficult feels uncomfortable.

But instead of satisfaction, you're left feeling drained and resentful.

You're the reliable one, but at what cost?

Support encompasses how we give it, how we accept it, and what genuine support means for our resilience.

Because support isn't always about saying yes or rescuing others.

Real support means understanding when to step in, and when to step back.

Why this keeps happening (the hidden brain patterns keeping you stuck)

There are two common patterns high performers often fall into, trapping you in a cycle of overwhelm:

1. Over-functioning:

   1. You step in quickly, take charge, and sort things out before anyone even asks.

   2. You see the issues clearly, know exactly what's needed, and act fast.

   3. It feels productive and efficient, but it's utterly exhausting in the long run.

2. People-pleasing:

   1. You say yes to avoid conflict, keep things chill, and never disappoint.

   2. You're seen as accommodating and considerate, but inside, you're steadily draining your reserves.

I've been caught in both these patterns throughout my professional and personal life.

On projects with tight deadlines, I'll work late to stay on top, take calls after hours, and send summaries and reports to keep things running smoothly.

I've accepted endless last-minute schedule changes because someone else was overwhelmed.

I never mention how frequently I'd reshuffled my own plans to accommodate theirs.

It's a habit I spot consistently, both in myself and my coaching clients.

So why, despite recognising the patterns, is it still so challenging to move towards healthier behaviour?

The neuroscience behind these two unhelpful patterns

Your prefrontal cortex - the part of your brain responsible for executive functions like decision-making, impulse control, and long-term planning - struggles under chronic stress.

When that happens, cognitive flexibility is reduced, making it harder to pause, reassess, and make better choices.

Over-functioning is linked to your brain’s reward system.

• Every time you step in to fix a problem, your brain releases dopamine, reinforcing the idea that solving issues equals satisfaction.

• This creates a cycle where taking control feels rewarding - even when it’s depleting.

• Anxiety, self-worth, and external validation also play a role, making overwork feel like the only way to stay ahead.

People-pleasing is tied to social-safety circuits in the brain.

• The anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) is involved in monitoring social interactions and anticipating rejection or disapproval.

• Because emotional and physical pain functions share overlapping neural pathways, saying no feels like a threat, leading to discomfort or avoidance.

• Oxytocin, a hormone involved in social bonding, reinforces people-pleasing behaviours. Positive social feedback increases oxytocin release, making approval-seeking feel rewarding and even harder to stop.

Chronic activation of the HPA axis (the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal system) also keeps you stuck in these patterns.

When stress is ongoing, the body remains in a heightened state of alertness.

This makes it harder to shift out of habitual over-functioning or people-pleasing patterns.

Personality traits and early conditioning, like cultural or family expectations, further embed these patterns, making them difficult to unlearn.

Breaking free isn’t just about setting boundaries.

It’s about not wanting to lose status, resources, support, or control too.

You must intentionally recognise and rewire these ingrained neural patterns to break your cycles of over-commitment and exhaustion.

The psychological trap that keeps you stuck

Boundaries, for us and others, feel uncomfortable in the moment, but are essential for long-term resilience and adaptability under stress.

When we over-extend ourselves, we often fall into Karpman’s Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT), which is a psychological model that explains unhelpful interpersonal dynamics:

• Victim – Feels powerless, blames others, or circumstances, and expects rescue.

• Persecutor – Controls, criticises, or resents others after over-extending (Where frustration builds after you’ve done too much).

• Rescuer – Steps in to fix everything, shields others from struggle, and offers unsolicited help, unintentionally creating dependence. (Over-functioners and people-pleasers live here!)

At the root of this are fear-driven motivations:

• Over-functioners rescue because they fear failure or looking incompetent.

• People-pleasers rescue because they fear rejection or being seen as unworthy.

The result? The more you help, the more others rely on you.

Every time I’ve stepped in to fix missing invoice issues or resolve commercial relationship problems, I’ve become the default ‘go-to’ person.

Over time, people stopped even trying to solve the issue themselves.

The longer this pattern continues, the more frustrated and exhausted you become.

And eventually, rescuers reach a breaking point.

Be honest - you’re either snapping in resentment (shifting into the persecutor role) or withdrawing entirely (leading to isolation or burnout) when you’ve hit the wall.

Neither outcome is sustainable, and neither supports true resilience under pressure.

The shift - a new model for resilience and leadership

The alternative to the Drama Triangle is The Empowerment Dynamic (TED), developed by David Emerald.

This model shifts us away from dependence and towards adaptive resilience.

When you catch yourself in one of the DDT roles, shift into these TED roles instead:

• Creator (instead of Victim) - Takes ownership and seeks solutions rather than feeling helpless or expecting rescue.

• Challenger (instead of Persecutor) - Encourages growth through accountability rather than blame. Holds firm boundaries and empowers others to step up.

• Coach (instead of Rescuer) - Supports, guides, and facilitates rather than fixing everything for others.

This shift is crucial for breaking the cycle of over-functioning and people-pleasing.

Because boundaries aren’t just about saying no.

They’re about changing the way you support others, without sacrificing your own capacity.

Practical strategies to make the shift without guilt

Shifting out of over-functioning or people-pleasing isn’t just about trying harder to set boundaries.

It’s about rewiring your brain, your habits, and your identity as a high performer.

The key is gradual, strategic shifts where you step back without guilt while reinforcing a sense of control and agency.

Here’s where we start:

1. Reset your mental maps and inner critic
   Your brain expects you to over-function or people-please because that’s what it’s learned. To disrupt this, start shifting your internal dialogue:

• Instead of "If I don’t do it, no one will," try "If I always step in, no one has to learn."

• Instead of "I’m the person who fixes things," try "I enable others to take responsibility."

• Instead of “It’ll all fall apart without me,” try “I’m giving opportunities for others to feel a sense of achievement too.”

2. Train your nervous system to handle discomfort
   Saying no or different action triggers a stress response. To build tolerance:

• Use micro-boundaries: Set small limits daily (e.g., delaying responses, reducing over-explaining). Assertiveness is a skill to train. It’s not purely something you’re born with or not.

• Pause before responding: Take 10 seconds before saying yes to break the automatic pattern. Be more intentional with your actions.

• Label the discomfort: Recognise that unease isn’t failure - it’s growth. The more discomfort you tolerate, the higher your baseline becomes.

3. Shift from Rescuer to Coach
   Stop fixing, start facilitating. Next time someone asks for help, guide them instead:

• "What have you tried so far?"

• "What do you think would be the best next step?"

• "How can I support you without taking over?"

4. Expect and accept pushback
   People will resist change. That’s normal. Stay firm. You’re not responsible for how others react or their emotional regulation issues.

• Instead of "I’ll sort it," ask, "What’s your plan?"

• Instead of "They never step up," try "What expectations am I setting?"

You don’t have to try all of these at once.

How to implement: Pick one or two to experiment with each week, and you’ll build momentum over time.

Key Takeaways

Over-functioning and people-pleasing aren’t just unhelpful habits.

They’re reinforced by brain-wired patterns.

Dopamine, social-safety responses, and chronic stress make these behaviours feel automatic and hard to break.

The more you take on, the more others expect, keeping you trapped in cycles of overwork and avoidance.

Remember, you’re not stuck. And discomfort isn’t danger - it’s growth.

Moving from Rescuer to Coach and Persecutor to Challenger creates healthier relationships - without guilt or burnout.

Boundaries aren’t just about saying no. They’re about changing how you show up.

When you rewire mental maps, train your nervous system, and set process-based boundaries, you support others without sacrificing yourself.

It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you trust them to step up.

And most importantly, your worth isn’t tied to how much you do for others.

Question: are you more of an over-functioner, people-pleaser, or both? Comment on which sounds more like you.

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P.S. Always the one picking up the slack? I’m planning a Boundaries That Stick Masterclass to help you break free from over-functioning and people-pleasing without guilt.

Join the waitlist for early access and exclusive bonuses if we go ahead!