Your Brain Knows the Difference Between Fitting In and Belonging — Here's How

How resonant connections regulate your nervous system (and fake ones don't)

Photo by Crispin Jones on Unsplash

I went to a “Women in Procurement” breakfast event this week, but instead of feeling at home, I felt like an outsider.

I’ve been trying to network more lately (meh). Yes, stretch myself a bit (I know).

But this? This felt off.

So, this event should have felt like familiar territory:

• My gender.

• My profession.

• Shared stories.

• Space to explore the unique challenges we face.

Except… I sat there thinking, “Why am I here?”

Not because I wasn’t welcome.

But because the conversation - about being the only woman in the room, juggling career, and motherhood, smashing glass ceilings - just didn’t resonate.

These weren’t the challenges I was navigating or distracted by.

And quietly, I started to wonder: “Is there room for different stories in spaces like this?”

A few years ago, I probably would’ve stayed quiet.

Nodded along.

Polite chit-chat.

Intent listening before I slipped out early.

But not now.

Now, I know who I am.

I know what matters to me.

And I’m done editing myself just to fit a room I’m meant to resonate in but don’t.

So, I spoke up and said the unexpected.

We all have our own story to share

After a couple of presentations, some discussion and talk of ‘superpowers’ (whut?), I politely interrupted.

I said I didn’t relate to the narrative being shared.

That I wasn’t and didn't want to be a working mum.

That even though I’d been a woman in male-dominated industries for decades, it wasn’t a barrier for me.

That in fact, many challenges I've experienced were due to poor female leaders, so we should be honest about the range of women in the workplace.

Ultimately, that there were other stories and perspectives that deserved space too.

It wasn’t a rebellion.

It was just…honesty.

The room paused and eyes widened.

Then a few heads nodded.

And in that moment, I realised I hadn’t disconnected.

I’d disrupted.

And sometimes, that’s where real connection and belonging begins.

Fitting in isn’t belonging - your brain knows the difference

Yesterday, I spoke with two coaching buddies about this experience.

It was timely.

One had just moved to a new town and was struggling to find her “people and deeper connection.”

The other listened intently and said something that stuck:

“Fitting in is not the same as belonging.”

Their perspectives hit me hard during our call and has lingered since (thanks for the inspo both!).

Probably because I’ve spent most of my life trying to decode that exact difference.

You see, I’ve never quite fit into the obvious groups.

Not school cliques.

Not cultural events.

Not family roles.

Not peer groups.

Not even networking spaces built for people “like me.”

Because those spaces often run on visible labels: gender, race, job title, life stage.

But that’s not how I truly connect or belong.

I connect through (dark) humour.

Tricky life experiences.

Depth and vulnerability.

Creative pursuits.

Shared values.

Curious minds.

The people who’ve been through stuff and come out weirder, wiser, and more themselves.

And your brain doesn’t want just any connection.

It needs resonant connection and belonging.

But what is belonging really?

Sure, it’s about being accepted, included, and like we matter to others.

It’s also about having high social value and qualities important to them.

Why your brain registers discomfort without resonant connection and belonging

Studies showed that social exclusion activates the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, part of the pain matrix and the same region triggered by physical pain.

Our brains literally interpret rejection as a form of harm because the same neural circuitry that processes physical pain gets activated when we feel rejected or excluded.

Another study found that emotionally safe, attuned relationships activate the vmPFC (ventromedial Prefrontal Cortex, linked to emotion regulation) and reduce amygdala activity (threat response).

One of the strongest stressors is social rejection, so if you're not part of the gang or tribe, you'll feel less safe and at risk of losing vital resources.

According to Mark Leary’s “sociometer theory,” our brains constantly monitor our social value, like an internal popularity barometer.

If we think we’re being left out, excluded, or undervalued, it flags a threat.

That’s why social media can feel so sh*tty.

All those views, likes, restacks... Without them, we don’t just feel bad, but unsafe.

Predictive processing theory shows that our brains constantly predict and correct for expected outcomes.

When a social space doesn’t match our connection expectations, it creates prediction errors.

It’s jarring and we need more effort and energy to feel safe.

Your brain queries: Do I need to mask? Filter? Shape-shift to stay accepted here?

If yes, you’ll feel it in your mind and body:

• Tension in your shoulders.

• Overthinking every word you say.

• Feeling tired after events you “should” enjoy.

• A strange combo of being present and completely detached.

We divert more cognitive energy to read social signals and learn how to better ‘fit in’ to minimise rejection.

No wonder many of us feel off and exhausted after awkward social events.

Belonging and value alignment studies found being in value-congruent groups reduced stress and anxiety, while misaligned groups increased emotional vigilance.

But how we resonate with others, and feel safe to be who we are, is more varied than a checklist of census boxes.

True belonging is metabolically efficient. It doesn’t cost you energy.

It restores it.

It’s relaxed, energising, and emotionally regulated. Our self-esteem is boosted.

Finding resonant connection and belonging is key to long-term resilience.

One size doesn’t fit all

Later this week, a colleague told me how powerful she found a Black Leaders networking event.

As a self-confessed introvert and generally anti-social person, they weren’t expecting to stay long.

But they were buzzing after the experience.

For her, it was resonant.

It was values-aligned, energising, emotionally safe.

She belonged.

It shifted her self-narrative.

She realised she never wanted to socialise because she hadn’t felt resonant connection and true belonging in that way before.

And that’s when it clicked for me:

There is no one-size-fits-all path to connection and belonging.

For some, a demographic match unlocks something powerful.

For others, it’s about depth, humour, shared life lens, not surface-level sameness.

What builds resilience isn’t just being part of a group.

It’s being part of one that meets you where you are and maintains or boosts your self-esteem.

Not one that leads you to shrink, dilute, or pretend.

Why this matters for resisting burnout

This isn’t just a “nice to have” but a resilience issue. Because without real connection, we burn out faster.

As a high performer in work and life, your energy and resources are under pressure.

And when we talk about burnout, we obsess over workload.

But one of the most overlooked drivers? Relational depletion.

Not just being alone but being performatively connected.

Performative belonging is when you’re technically included and present, but you’re still adapting to other people’s expectations more than showing up as yourself.

Burnout research identifies lack of community as one of the six core burnout domains, right alongside overload, lack of control, and values misalignment.

It’s not just emotional.

It’s structural.

• If you’re surrounded by people but never feel known…

• If you’re constantly filtering to be accepted…

• If your nervous system never feels safe enough to just be…

That’s not connection, that’s survival mode.

It’s a recipe for erasing who you are, your self-esteem, and self-identity.

Permission to be you if you need it

If you've been secretly resenting or dreading the networking or connection forums in your work or life, here’s permission to shift or search elsewhere (if you need it).

If being in a women in leadership group sucks, let go and find your tribe.

Or stick around and raise a topic you know is woefully ignored and see who else speaks up.

If you're sick of the mum or dads WhatsApp group, do the minimum and hang out with your real pals.

The ones you’ll seek out when the kids are at college.

If you aren't into demographic-based sessions, find someone or a group you have commonalities with, even if they don’t seem like you at all.

I had a deep and meaningful chat with the older nerdy dude at work to talk about life and tech, and it was great!

I’ve been thinking about Scott Barry Kaufman’s new book, Rise Above, which explores how we can move beyond the roles and expectations handed to us.

It’s about reclaiming self-authorship and refusing to shrink to fit or get in our own way.

In particular, to escape the victimhood trap and rise above any victim mindsets we might inadvertently fall into when the world doesn't make sense.

Modern life has made it ok to be vulnerable, but for its own sake. Not for the growth it really offers.

When you find (or build) connection that reflects your real values, your real humour, your real pace, you’re not just bonding.

You’re regulating.

You’re restoring.

You’re rebuilding capacity.

That’s what fuels real resilience.

That’s what helps us rise above our everyday struggles and frustrations and find where we truly belong.

Art-based reflection: Notice your connection landscape

Here's a creative reflection exercise to explore connection and belonging more deeply.

1. Grab a pen, marker, coloured pencil, magazines or whatever you’ve got.

2. Sketch, scribble, collage or scrawl an image of what real connection and belonging feels like to you. Or find a picture in a magazine that resonates.

3. Move past the version you were told to want. Home in on the one your body recognises as safe and energising.

4. Try including, but don’t limit yourself to:

   1. Spaces or symbols that feel grounding or curious

   2. Figures or shapes that appeal

   3. Past vs. present contrasts

   4. Invisible needs you rarely articulate

   5. Textures or forms at different scales

5. Then reflect and jot down answers to the following prompts:

   1. What do I see here that I rarely say out loud?

   2. Where do I already feel this, even in moments?

   3. What’s missing, and needs my attention?

   4. What am I ready to seek or create?

This kind of visual storytelling reveals more than logic ever could.

Key takeaways

Remember that resonant connection and belonging isn’t just about ticking census boxes.

It’s about how your nervous system responds in a space when it’s safe, seen, or on high alert.

Fitting in literally drains you, especially if it means masking, mirroring, or shrinking in ways that aren’t natural or sustainable.

Sure, we all do some of it at times, but deeper social dissonance and perceived low social value is a cognitive and emotional tax.

Resonant connection builds resilience. So, when your values and energy match the space, your brain moves out of social protection mode and into growth.

It also helps prevent burnout and chronic stress, because if you’re always adjusting to be accepted, your nervous system pays the price.

You’re allowed to outgrow spaces or places you think are meant for you.

And you’re allowed to build ones that actually feel like home.

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P.S. Share this post with anyone who’s navigating identity shifts, building new connections, or just trying to feel more like themselves again. We’re not alone.