9 'Ego'-Driven Mistakes You Make And Finding the Courage To Change

An unhealthy self-identity makes us ignore inner wisdom, trading long-term happiness for short-term comfort. Take bold action for better choices and results.

Aug 18, 2024

man showing photo of him — Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

On a murky July night in 1999, John F. Kennedy Jr. ignored the warnings of loved ones and seasoned pilots, embarking on a fateful flight that ended in tragedy.

His private plane plummeted into the Atlantic, claiming the lives of Kennedy, his wife, and her sister. This devastating accident wasn’t a stroke of misfortune - it was a nightmare that could and should have been avoided.

I recently finished Ask Not - The Kennedys And The Women They Destroyed by Maureen Callaghan and watched a review on the book by YouTuber Cheere Denise. Cheere's no-nonsense perspective draws me in - it's the closest I'll get to being in a book club. She's compassionate but takes no prisoners - a refreshing relief.

In her discussion, she emphasised how John's ego and hubris, coupled with a life of never hearing ‘no’, led to this tragic, avoidable demise. Even more heart-breaking was how Carolyn Bessette joined the ominous flight despite her reluctance.

Whether it was to avoid letting him or the Kennedys down, to escape media scrutiny of their troubled marriage, or simply to avoid being ‘the difficult one’, she prioritised the position (and myth) she'd fought hard to win as part of the elusive Kennedy clan.

Tragically, it cost her life.

When you ignore your inner wisdom, you pay the price

How often does our ego cloud our better judgement? While we might not end up in a tragic celebrity plane crash, smaller ego-driven mistakes speckle our lives like tearstains on a t-shirt. Over a lifetime, how do these small missteps accumulate into larger tragedies and regrets?

As a burnout coach and someone who has battled burnout, this internal mental tussle feels familiar. We push ourselves harder than we should and get sick. We isolate ourselves to minimise shame. We stay in jobs longer than we should, worsening our burnout because ‘it's a good job’.

A phrase I hear often is, “Why am I still doing this, even when I know it’s not good for me?”. There’s no single answer, but I can summarise the common ego-related mistakes that block progress and peace-of-mind - mistakes that make us wish we’d done something different. If only.

Being courageous enough to take bold action, even when it’s uncomfortable, requires a leap of faith. The temporary discomfort will pass, and I’d rather you save time, effort, and heartache instead.

Your long-term health, personal and professional aspirations deserve it.

What is ‘ego’ and why should we care?

Recent research defines the ego as the conscious part of our mind - our thoughts and feelings - responsible for self-identity and self-perception. It’s how we ourselves in the world. Shaped by our experiences and cultural backgrounds, the ego helps us navigate life. However, when our ego becomes too rigid or overactive, it could lead to issues like anxiety or self-importance.

Scientists have linked our self-identity or ego to certain brain activities, such as the default mode network modulation - a brain circuit associated with self-referential concepts, autobiographical memories, and mind wandering.

Activities such as mindfulness, and even some psychedelic experiences (don’t do this outside a lab!), could help alter our ego, leading to better mental health, greater empathy, and personal growth.

How we see ourselves influences the choices we make. A healthy self-identity or ego reflects confidence in our skills and abilities, not just in what we do, but in our resilience and personal capabilities.

For instance, we might stay in an unhealthy situation because we doubt our ability to succeed elsewhere, whether due to practical concerns like earning enough money, or simply believing we can’t cope on our own.

Understanding what influences a healthy ego - positively and negatively - has a significant impact on life direction, decision-making and persistence.

By recognising common ego-driven mistakes, and tapping into our inner wisdom, we make healthier choices and develop psychological flexibility for the future.

Here are common ego-driven mistakes and bold actions you can take to overcome them:

#1: Refusing to apologise

I’m a stubborn b'*stard at times. I’m not proud of it, but I eventually recognise when it gets in my way. Years ago in a previous day job, I worked with a new colleague who ended up being a nightmare - disruptive, chaotic, entitled. Our personalities clashed, and it affected our work.

My boss, realising how unhealthy our relationship had become, suggested we give each other performance feedback for our annual reviews. What?? Them?? I resisted but I knew I had to swallow my pride if I wanted the project to succeed.

We had an open and honest conversation, apologised for our issues and came up with a strategy to move forward. We didn’t become best friends, but we reached an understanding.

Bold Action Tip: Let go of your need to be right. It doesn’t mean your principles aren’t important. Apologise for your part in the conflict - it shows you have a stable sense of self and are willing to be the bigger person for the greater good.

#2: Overcommitting

Ooof, this one resonates deep - I get interested in many things and hate letting people down, when I’m unwell. Last year, I juggled several day job projects, and had a therapeutic coaching project with Mental Health UK and Lloyds Bank through my business. I worked out of hours coaching business owners and leaders under stress and burnout.

I enjoyed being busy but became overcommitted. Eventually, I showed early signs of burnout (the irony isn’t lost on me!), and had to pace myself until the coaching project ended. It wasn’t easy but I shifted my life and working patterns to adapt.

Bold Action Tip: Accept you have limited energy and time resources. You might want to do everything but consider the personal cost. Pace yourself and prioritise strategically.

#3: Rejecting Help

When I overcommit, I struggle to ask for help. When I got mental health treatment in my 30s, Schema Therapy taught me how early life experiences influence self-defeating, patterns or core themes that repeat throughout our lives. Schemas are mental frameworks to help us make sense of our early experiences, and shape beliefs about self, others and the world.

When schemas become maladaptive or unhelpful, we get in our own way. One schema relates to dependency, and some of us respond with the tendency to reject help to prove self-sufficiency.

Recently, I underwent a medical procedure and insisted on handling everything alone, even though I was sedated. Umm…whut??

Luckily, a great friend helped me out, reminding me how rejecting help isn’t always the best option.

Bold Action Tip: Reflect on where help could reduce your effort or stress. Work smarter, not harder. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak - it makes you efficient.

#4: Holding Grudges

Resentment is natural when we feel ignored or disrespected, but holding grudges is harmful. It leads to poor decisions, low mood and makes you difficult to be around. I’ve held onto grudges in my day job or personal life, only to realise they consume time and energy without resolving anything.

It’s another case of being the bigger person and finding forgiveness so you move on. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget or condone what happened. It’s a way to draw a mental boundary around a situation so you move forward gracefully.

Bold Action Tip: Journal about the cost of holding a grudge. Are you avoiding an important goal-related task due to this? Identify solutions that could arise if you let it go, and take the first, small step toward resolution.

#5: Making Decisions Out of Spite

Acting out of spite often overlaps with stubbornness. When someone tells me I can’t do something, I go out of my way to prove them wrong. But making decisions to spite others often backfires, as it did in a toxic work relationship I had last year.

It triggered my fear of failure and social judgement, as I was exhausted and struggling to keep on top of all the tasks on my list. My toxic colleague publicly shamed me on a call, and it really got to me.

My pride took over and instead of addressing the issue directly, I avoided them, which only made things worse. My decision to avoid and find workarounds - because they’d hurt and disrespected me - cost me time and energy. Not worth the hassle in the end.

Bold Action Tip: Recognise how someone else’s behaviour has impacted you and allow yourself to feel sad and disappointed. Mental time travel and ask yourself if this issue will still matter in a few years. If not, minimise its impact and move on.

#6: Ignoring Good Advice

An old boss noticed I was burning out and suggested I look for other roles outside the company. At the time, I was confused - why would they suggest I leave? It was weird and I’d feel like a failure if I left.

But they understood me better than I did and knew how stress would impact me. It took three years for me to take their advice, but by then, I had developed chronic health issues - pain, IBS and a thyroid condition. I also lost confidence in myself.

It’s why I want to help others in the same situations, so they don’t waste time, vitality and human potential like I did due to irrational fears.

We talked about years later and they congratulated me on finally making the leap. I admitted I should have done it sooner but wasn’t confident enough. The usual fears - I won’t get a new job, will end up with no money and homeless, etc.

How quickly we mentally end up on the streets as a way to stay stuck?! In reality, how many people do you know who end up homeless? The stats don’t support this fear!

Bold Action Tip: Examine why you resist good advice. Is it because you don’t respect the source, or does it tap into a deep-seated fear? Get other opinions if needed, and explore the fears holding you back.

#7: Staying in Unhealthy Relationships

I once worked with a colleague who stayed in an unhealthy relationship for years, ignoring red flags and suspicions of infidelity. A few of us would sit in a meeting room to hear the latest dramas. She’d ask for advice, but ultimately wouldn’t follow any of it (see #6!).

Eventually, she discovered the truth, but only after wasting significant time and energy on a relationship that was doomed from the start. She ignored her inner wisdom and stuck it out anyway, believing she’d handle whatever came her way.

My sense is she was scared of being alone, and preferred to have someone rather than no one. Remember, you’re stronger than you think, and if you worry for your safety, reach out to local police or organisations for advice and support.

Bold Action Tip: Acknowledge the difficulty of admitting you’re in an unhealthy relationship. List your strengths and use them to build a self-identity outside the relationship. Self-compassion will help you make necessary changes.

#8: Competing Unnecessarily

Social media or networking often fuels unnecessary competition. It’s easy to compare yourself to others and feel inadequate. But when envy distracts you from your goals, it’s time to reset.

Be inspired by others’ goals and outcomes, and learn what they do. Yet, resist feeling bad about yourself - no one has your unique body or life history, so it’s natural to be at different stages to everyone else. Tap into your strengths, values and wellbeing needs.

Bold Action Tip: Refocus on your own meaningful goals. Remember that no one else has your unique life experience. Choose opportunities, not threats, to drive you forward.

#9: Refusing to Change Course

Grit and persistence are are essential for success, but sometimes, it’s necessary to change course.

Several issues get in the way of this but here is a common one your ego falls into:

The Sunk Cost Fallacy is our tendency to follow through on something that we’ve already invested heavily in (be it time, money, effort, emotional energy, etc.), even when giving up is clearly a better idea.
The Decision Lab

I spent years working with technology and change teams. Agile methodology is a popular project management approach where the project is split into phases, with an emphasis on continuous improvement. It offers a useful approach by encouraging small, iterative changes. The point is to limit wasted effort, time and resources because you’re delivering value each phase.

If things look positive and promising, keep going. If the results aren’t as expected (check you’re testing long enough), review, adapt and tweak. The sooner you do this, the better for your goals, health and wellbeing.

Anne-Laure Le Cunff, neuroscientist, writer and creator of Ness Labs, is writing a book called Tiny Experiments. She’s a strong advocate of running personal projects and self-improvement activities in this minimal, experimental way. I’m looking forward to reading it, and it’s an approach I already use and share with my coaching clients.

Bold Action Tip: Be honest about whether your actions are working. Use evidence to decide when to shift direction. Don’t beat yourself up - decisions are based on the information you have at the time, not the updated knowledge you gain later.

Key takeaways

A healthy ego or self-identity is crucial for avoiding burnout and maintaining overall wellbeing. When we ignore our inner wisdom or make decisions based on fear or unhealthy ego, we pay the price.

Here’s a reminder of 9 common ego-driven mistakes and bold action ideas:

Refuse to apologise: It’s OK to compromise for the longer-term win. It doesn’t mean you don’t respect your principles or negate past issues.
Overcommitting: Accept you have limited resources - pace yourself and prioritise wisely.
Rejecting help: Work smarter, not harder. Help makes you efficient not weak.
Holding grudges: Journal the costs of grudge-holding and available solutions if you let go. Take small steps to resolution.
Making decisions out of spite: Allow yourself to feel sad if you’ve been disrespected, but minimise short-term distress as it weakens over time anyway.
Ignoring good advice: Get other opinions to find the middle ground, and explore the fears holding you back if you’re still stuck.
Staying in unhealthy relationships: Prioritise safety, and list the strengths that’ll build your resilience skills outside an unhealthy relationship
Competing unnecessarily: Refocus on your own goals, and choose opportunities and not threats to drive you.
Refuse to change course: Use evidence to make small shifts from the original course. It’s OK to change direction based on new information.

A common thread in all these scenarios is the resistance to release outdated beliefs, the reluctance to endure discomfort, and the fear of others' judgment.

However, by cultivating psychological flexibility and managing your ego, you’ll make bold, strategic decisions for a more fulfilling and healthier life.

Dear friends, which ego-driven mistakes show up for you? Have I missed any? Share in the comments.