Assertiveness Is A Skill Not A Trait - 3 Ways To Boost Better Boundaries
Assertiveness Is A Skill Not A Trait - 3 Ways To Boost Better Boundaries
Childhood messages get into your head - time to get rid
1. This isn’t my voice!
My client was scared to tell her charity volunteer she had no time to chat.
She didn't want to upset her.
Every time she let this need slide, she got resentful.
She beat herself up.
She got grumpy in her mind at the volunteer.
She tried to avoid contact every time the volunteer turned up.
It was distracting and took up mental energy.
Whilst she talked through scenarios, I noticed how much she berated herself.
She was mean about her own shortcomings.
I could tell this was a long term frustration she'd had - not being able to assert boundaries and state her needs.
It resonated with me as I have a similar struggle.
During our work together, my client discovered the rules and beliefs for why she couldn't assert herself.
We don't do that in my family
If you say no or push back, that's rude
You don't want to appear selfish
The penny dropped. These weren't even her thoughts.
They were from her family.
She didn't even agree with them.
It made sense why she was so uncomfortable using these rules in her own life.
It wasn't her voice.
Tip 1: Create a script.
Mental and visual rehearsal is a great way to prepare your brain for the real thing.
Olympic swimmers use this to visualise what can go well and what to do when things go wrong.
If that happens, as when Michael Phelps got water in his goggles in the 2008 Olympics Butterfly final,1 visual and rehearsal kicks in to run your plan B steps.
My client created a script to use with the volunteer.
She visualised how the conversation might go and how she’d respond.
It took her a while to feel brave enough to use it, but she did it and didn't self-combust.
Social failure can feel like a ‘death’ so self-combustion is often what we might think will happen if things get awkward.
Importantly though, her brain got real evidence that the bad thing didn't happen.
It learned.
2. Start small and build up
We often think assertive people are born assertive.
Maybe some are.
But not all of them.
Often, they modelled assertiveness from others, or learned what works for them to minimise discomfort and achieve early on.
Assertiveness is not a trait. It’s a skill.
That means you can develop it with practice.
Instead we give up and think we’ll never crack the magic assertiveness trick everyone else knows.
We might want to tell our friend we are bored of hearing their ongoing dramas at work, but that’s a hard one to start with.
Rather, start small, keep teaching your brain it’s OK and build up.
Tip 2: Create an assertiveness ladder.
Clinical psychologist and writer Nick Wignall2 has some great practical info on personal development.
I discovered the assertiveness ladder from him.
To paraphrase:
Write a list from 1 to 10 - 1 is the hardest thing and 10 is a tricky thing but with lowest discomfort.
Pick a time and date to do number 10 on your list.
Summarise how it went and how you felt.
Move to number 9 and repeat.
Continue this until you get to number 1 - the hardest one on the list.
Think back on the experience my client had with running her prepared script.
It’s about providing evidence to your brain that the predicted discomfort either isn’t correct, or that you felt it and could tolerate it.
You’re building the skill like an athlete, not using innate talent.
3. Use your values as a guide
The term ‘values’ is bandied about a lot.
Corporate values. Personal values.
In the mental health and therapeutic coaching world, personal values are incredibly useful for developing choice and meaningful action.
How do you discover your values?
Consider values as special core beliefs you have about yourself, others and the world.
They are your north star.
You move though life living in alignment to or against your values.
I like using an ‘ideal day’ visualisation to help clients uncover what is important to them - their values.
But another way to discover them is to work out what really angers you about others and the world.
I hate it when people lie (Value: Honesty)
I can’t stand it when people put themselves first (Value: Community)
It irritate me when work cuts into my family time (Value: Family)
These can be a great motivator.
Once you work out what is important to you, the cost of not living life in support of them becomes the discomfort.
Tip 3: Get clear on your values to guide assertive action
Once you’ve identified 3 or 4 values, reflect on where you can use them to build your assertiveness skills.
If health is a value, but you’re stuck at the end of the day with a chatty customer instead of going to the gym, write down what that’s costing you:
Not able to clear my head and stress from the day
Can’t build my core strength making back pain worse
Want to get into that new dress but it doesn’t fit
Suddenly, hanging out with your chatty customer seems less appealing due to the cost.
Arrange an external accountability as a boundary if you need it (e.g., personal trainer appointment, running buddy etc.).
Teach your brain that this new behaviour has a better reward for the short-term discomfort of being assertive.
4. Conclusion
Boosting better boundaries doesn’t have to be complicated.
But a system helps.
To summarise:
Create a script
Create an assertiveness ladder
Get clear on your values to guide assertive action
What other tips have worked for you?
Let me know in the comments!
Let me know what you're keen to learn or talk about in the comments or on chat.
This is your space too, so let's enjoy it together.
Take care,
Sabrina Ahmed
Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner