Escape The Relationship Drama Triangle - Flip The Script And Play A Different Role

Don't languish in victim mode - focus on outcomes to surf through challenges

Photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash

Do you realise when you're responding to others in the victim role?

I had an epiphany during a coaching study module. Our teacher taught us how coaches can fall into the victim role in client coaching sessions. It floored me.

WHAT?? I might be playing the victim in coaching sessions with my clients??

I’d never considered it but that moment was seared into my brain.

I sat in a classroom recounting all the different coaching sessions I’d had and how I might have flipped into the victim role without realising.

Oh the guilt.

For context, our teacher was sharing her interpretation of Karpman’s Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT), and how we should be aware of it when coaching our clients.

In particular, we got examples of how we might accidentally fall into these roles.

It was eye-opening.

Basics of the Dreaded Drama Triangle

Stephen Karpman was a therapist in 1960s and a co-founder of transactional analysis (a psychoanalytic theory and therapy approach describing and analysing social interactions (or transactions) to understand behaviour).

Karpman developed the DDT to describe relationship interactions, particularly in conflict dynamics and patterns of behaviour that arise between people and groups.

He described three key roles we can play in relationships:

• the Victim, who feels like life or the situation is hard or unfair, and not their fault. The primary role;

• the Persecutor, who blames and criticizes others, and lays fault with them. The Victim blames them for their suffering;

• the Rescuer, who takes on all responsibility to step in and fix things. Will intervene to relieve the Victim’s suffering.

Karpman’s Dreaded Drama Triangle from Management30.com

What’s important to understand here is that we shift and cycle through these roles at different points of the day, circumstances and relationship dynamics.

Although you might have a tendency towards one in certain situations or with specific people, you can fall into any role in a relationship engagement or conflict.

As with most things in life, we often react and respond to the world automatically, unless we train ourselves to choose our responses.

We fall into the DDT when can’t process uncomfortable or confusing emotions. Or we can’t assert boundaries appropriately and get frustrated when our needs aren’t met.

Perhaps we aren’t aware of the impact we have on others.

Potentially, we are unaware of insecurities in certain situations and how we instinctively (but unhelpfully) react when those arise.

This is how conflicts arise, even subtle ones.

It can be completely unintended, and escalate with minimal effort.

Recollections of coaching session role-flipping

I recalled coaching sessions where I might have become overly concerned with helping my client with their issues (Rescuer).

At other times, I got frustrated when the client came up with excuses about why they wouldn’t take actions they knew would help (Persecutor).

I felt guilty for not realising it earlier.

My teacher had given me feedback the day before during an observed coaching session. They suggested I take less notes during the conversation, as this might interfere with being present for the client.

The concern was that I may miss something from the client with my head looking at the notebook instead of at them.

Another epiphany.

There I was wanting to document everything for reference if required, so I wouldn’t get caught out during a session. I stated that was why I did it.

Our teacher paused and said ‘You’re falling into the victim role there. Consider why you’re really taking notes, and what that costs you in the session during the conversation’.

Gulp. They were right.

Perhaps I was so obsessed with taking really good notes, I missed a nuanced pause, facial expression or glance away.

These are all important cues when working with someone in a coaching context.

I reflected further on the point. Then it clicked.

In reality, I didn’t want to be caught short or not know a specific detail in case I was asked or had to consider it later. I didn’t want to fail or feel powerless.

The need to be perfect or all-knowing meant I sacrificed other data points that would be useful and help me shift my approach in real time.

I decided to experiment with my approach and minimise note taking during the session, or at specific times only.

Alternatively, I created summary notes after the session based on key points/topics and reflections.

The more I did this, the more natural it became, and the more I noticed during my coaching sessions.

It was a powerful learning experience and I realised that with mindful action, I could shift out of the victim role and feel more at ease.

The wider issue is that the DDT roles leave us disempowered, as we focus too much on the problem, and not enough on the outcomes or solutions we need.

Here’s how to flip the script and focus on outcomes instead.

Shift roles mindfully with The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)

Although I’d heard of the DDT, I hadn’t heard about a handy tool our teacher shared to help us move to healthier roles.

To switch from the DDT roles - Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer, we have to offer another role to move over to.

It’s one thing to say, ‘Hey you, stop doing that thing over there!’.

‘OK….ummmm….what should I do instead? <Silence….>’.

Our brains need to replace one habit or shortcut with another, otherwise they get lazy and stick to what they know.

David Emerald wrote about The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) in his book, The Power of TED. He described three roles as alternatives to the toxic DDT roles.

This is pretty genius from my perspective. If you want to get out of a certain role, you look for the characteristics of the flipside one, and follow the guidelines for that.

You empower yourself to respond differently to the situation and take mindful action - whether it’s in thought, feeling or behaviour.

Dreaded Drama Triangle Roles and alternative The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) Roles from The Profit Recipe

TED describes three alternative roles we can play to move out of DDT roles:

• the Creator, who feels like they have agency, dedication, and responds actively by focusing on outcomes;

• the Challenger, who engages and drives others with trust, in a self-aware and direct way;

• the Coach, who recognises people are resourceful and create solutions to their own problems. Facilitates and is supportive to others.

From my own example above, I moved from feeling hopeless and powerless to more hopeful and responsible for my response in whatever situation may arise with my client.

I trusted myself more.

Did it feel like a risk? Absolutely.

But did it pay off? 100%

No change is without risk. This is why so many of us either don’t start, can’t stick with it, or dislike it so much.

However, TED helps you focus more on the outcomes and rewards you could get by making a shift in how you think, feel and act.

We have more of a choice in how we respond to the world than we realise.

Ask yourself different questions to make the shift

Now that I’ve shared the unhelpful (DDT) to more helpful (TED) roles within a relationship dynamic, how can you play with this concept more deeply?

Consider the choice points you have in how you think, feel, and act.

There is plenty of evidence from cognitive behavioural and acceptance commitment therapy studies that our responses to the world can be adapted with mindful effort.

These changes are also beneficial to our mental health, wellbeing and relationships - with ourselves and others.

To experiment with this yourself, consider these three questions to shift roles (taken from The Center for The Empowerment Dynamic):

1. Where am I putting my focus?

   1. Are you stuck in thinking loops about the problem or actively searching for solutions and outcomes?

   2. Switch from victim to creator and focus on how to achieve outcomes you need.

2. How am I relating?

   1. Consider if you are perpetuating or creating relationship drama.

   2. Instead, where could you empower others to be more resilient, creative, and resourceful?

3. What actions am I taking?

   1. Are you reacting to the situation or problems that arise?

   2. Create a plan to take small steps towards the outcomes you want, or to problem-solve with mini-actions.

In the heat of the moment, it’s not always easy to pause, reflect and choose a different course.

Sometimes we get caught up in the moment and don’t realise the role we play because we have the best intentions.

At other times, we get a buzz from being resentful, angry or frustrated.

The approach above offers a different model.

To step back, recognise the role you play in relationship dynamics, and take mindful actions to solve problems and achieve outcomes.🚀

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Have you noticed any roles you automatically fall into in certain situations? What might you do differently?

P.S. If you’re interested in exploring coaching further, book a free discovery call with me to find out more.