I Was Ambushed in a "5-Minute Chat" With My Boss - Here's How I'm Fighting Back
Why your body knows you're under threat before your mind does, and what to do about it
Lately, work has felt like a series of stealth, political ambushes.
You go into a meeting expecting one thing and walk out reeling from something else.
A decision you weren’t looped into.
A request with underlying threat.
A silent sabotage to swipe power and control.
A point when you realise the game is being played in the shadows and you have no idea what the rules are.
It all got too much this week.
After a sudden ‘5-minute chat’ with my boss, I was told another function had made complaints about me and my team.
I was floored.
It felt like a slap in the face.
We take pride in our work. We act with integrity.
But, that’s not enough for the old guard.
Now I’ve got a joint meeting set up with the very people stirring things behind the scenes, and I’m bracing for the storm.
The result?
Anxiety hijacked my entire system.
I struggled to relax, switch off, and stop ruminating.
So, what am I doing about it now?
Trying to prep my mind and body proactively.
When emotions take over and you can’t hold the mask
The worst moment came about an hour later.
A colleague wandered over with birthday cake.
She noticed my flat tone and glazed eyes instantly.
She asked, “Are you OK?”
You know that question - the one that makes your body betray you before your mouth can lie.
My eyes went. The tears came.
Not dramatic. Just that slow, silent leak when your nervous system can’t contain the pressure anymore.
She was kind and supportive though.
Told me not to take it personally.
That I’m respected. That it would pass.
But I spiralled anyway.
Maybe I’m too sensitive.
Maybe I should be tougher.
Maybe I am the problem.
And honestly? I’m scared about that meeting.
Because the people coming for me are the same ones who quietly ousted my predecessor.
That was three years ago, but I feel it in my body now.
This isn’t just office politics.
It’s a nervous system under threat.
What your system knows before you do
When you get blindsided at work, especially by power plays or passive-aggressive tactics, your brain doesn’t just feel something’s off.
It flags threat. Not metaphorically.
Literally.
Why? Because it had already mapped out what to expect: professionalism, collaboration, shared values.
When that’s violated, like complaints with no warning, vague finger-pointing, or sudden reversals, your brain logs it as a prediction error.
That mismatch ramps up key brain systems:
The anterior insula tracks internal emotional discomfort and signals something’s not right.
The prefrontal cortex, responsible for regulation and reasoning, struggles under social threat.
Your stress response kicks in with muscle tension, tunnel vision, heart rate up, digestive flare ups.
This isn’t you being soft.
This is your system bracing for impact.
And if you’ve lived through a similar threat before, like a predecessor being pushed out quietly, your brain uses that memory to predict danger.
This makes the threat feel even more real, even if no one else can see it.
When support doesn't land, grief sneaks in sideways
Yesterday, I reached out to a friend.
I just needed someone to validate how I was feeling.
No solutions. No fixing. Just a steady presence.
But it didn’t help.
They offered perspectives but misunderstood what I needed.
They told me I was taking it too personally.
That there are toxic people everywhere.
Suggested I prep more, even though I already had.
And finally dropped the line that always cuts deepest: “Maybe you’re just being too emotional.”
Cue: Hulk-smash energy.
Yes, I am emotional because this situation sucks!
And even though they meant well, it made me feel worse.
We cut the conversation short.
What I needed wasn’t analysis.
I needed to feel safe enough to say: “I’m not OK right now. I need a buddy.”
Instead, I felt more alone.
Another reminder that people expect me to be the steady one.
The strong one. The one who doesn’t flinch. The one who keeps going.
And that’s what cracked it open.
Not long after, the grief I’ve been carrying quietly in the background came roaring forward.
Not just about this situation.
But about connection. Belonging. Loss.
Times I’d swallowed discomfort to keep the peace.
Times I showed up even when the space wasn’t safe.
And the aching reminder that the one person who offered me unconditional connection isn’t here anymore.
This is what stress does. It drags unresolved pain into the present.
Stacks it. Compounds it.
Until you’re no longer sure what you’re reacting to, but you know it’s real.
For me, it came as tears.
For others, it might be anger. Irritation. Numbness.
And it’s when I realised, I needed a different response.
Not logic. Not a pep talk. Not someone telling me I’d be fine.
I needed regulation. Grounding.
I needed self-leadership.
Because when external safety fails, your resilience must come from within.
What real resilience looks like
I could have numbed out completely this weekend.
TV binges.
Emotional eating.
Online retail therapy.
OK, I did a little of all of those. I mean, it’s a long bank holiday, after all.
But I also know pretending things don’t affect you just buries the energy deeper.
And buried stress always resurfaces, usually as something more inconvenient to manage.
Like insomnia.
Snapping at people you care about.
Or lying awake playing out every worst-case scenario like a sh*tty computer game.
Sometimes, we do need to push through.
But the bill always comes due.
So, I’m choosing a different approach.
When my brain slipped into grief and rumination mode, I used ChatGPT to get it all out.
My anxieties, sadness, and fight-back strategy.
I drafted a crib sheet with talking points, risks, and neutral-but-firm language for the meeting.
I’m defining rebuttals and clarified what I want from the conversation, not just what they expect from me.
So, while my initial response was emotional, my next steps aren’t.
They’re tactical.
That’s self-leadership.
How I’m grounding myself before this meeting
I don’t know exactly how the meeting will go.
But I’m not going in unprepared.
Here’s my approach to mitigate the threat:
Strategy and Mindset:
Define what I need to walk out with - clarity, boundaries, a reset.
Prep phrases to pause or redirect if things get heated
Script my ‘line in the sand’ so I know where not to compromise
Physical Prep:
Desk reset shoulder rolls, spine twists, jaw release, ankle circles before I leave for the office and in the toilets at lunchtime.
Wear clothes that signal capability, comfort, and self-respect.
Nervous System Regulation:
Box breathing before and during the meeting (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 6).
Use a calming essential oil before going in. Smell bypasses the brain’s sensory filter (thalamus) and is process directly. It’s a quick route for self-protection.
Pain Management:
Yes, I’m taking paracetamol. Research shows it can reduce social pain and emotional reactivity, likely because physical and social pain share neural pathways.
It won’t fix office politics, but it might round the emotional edges, so I stay grounded.
Key takeaways
When work feels like an ambush, your system reacts before you do.
That tension, shutdown, or tear-up? It’s not weakness but an alert.
Being told you’re ‘too emotional’ when you’re already holding the weight doesn’t make you stronger.
It just adds another layer to process or distract.
Use it to your advantage to see what others are intuitively missing.
And when support misses, it can isolate.
But, sometimes, you don’t need advice. You just need someone to say, “Yeah, that’s hard. I get you.”
In times like this, stress doesn’t stay neat and clean.
It pulls old grief into the present. Emotional stacking is real, and it’s why regulation matters.
Remember, real resilience isn’t stoicism for its own sake.
It’s strategy. Regulation. Boundaries.
It’s knowing how to lead yourself when no one else can hold you.
P.S. Share this with someone who might be facing their own work ambush. Comment about your experiences and how you managed it.
Oof, I feel this one in my bones. I hope it all goes well. I'm in the midst of a circle facilitator training program at the moment, and it's so interesting how much of the work goes into teaching us to override that need to "fix" or "solve" anyone else's problems, and instead just be in a state of active listening. To let people share freely, as if they're giving their words to the proverbial fire, rather than feeling like you have to respond.
It's fascinating (and not unsurprising) how much more deeply we can listen without having to think of any sort of response, too, but also how challenging it is in the ebb and flow of normal conversation, especially where silence is seen as a threat, almost.
It's also interesting to zoom out and see the real-world applications of these skills a bit more, too. I think I'd personally feel feel way more emotionally supported and connected if I had more people who I could trust to just listen (especially in situations where I talk about grief/Alzheimer's and things that can't be "solved"). My counsellor recently asked me to do the Young Schema, and emotional deprivation and social isolation came up as my tops, and it made me realise how much more socially and emotionally connected I'd feel if I could trust people just to listen without jumping into "fix it mode". Which, I guess, is why I've ended up in this training and with a newsletter, where I can write and share what's going on without really opening the door for people to fix or solve anything.
Anyway, I'm glad you wrote and shared this. I hope it helped. It sure helped me :) xx
What a timely article this is for me, Sabrina! This past week, one of my customers was upset with our department, and I had to review everything he brought up and realized I had failed him a few times over the past two months. I fell on my sword and explained how I played my part in his issues, and I told him I would "try" to waive the cost of something his department needed. He accepted what I said as I would waive the price (which is way above my pay grade). I didn't over-promise, but I've been dreading returning to him and his department and letting them know they will be responsible for said cost. Your words encouraged me to think through what needs to be done and how to communicate it with them. I'll be sharing this with them tomorrow. Thanks so much!