Negative Emotions Aren't Always Bad For You. Why Sad Songs Feel Good.

Don't avoid uncomfortable emotions but use them strategically to enjoy life

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Most people avoid discomfort and get obsessed with chasing pleasure.

Our brain reward circuits support this approach to keep us alive - it makes sense that eating, sleeping, drinking, socialising and achieving are powerfully rewarding and enjoyable.

If they weren’t, we wouldn’t be bothered enough to do them, and would wither away.

But there’s an emotional paradox that exists.

We’re constantly being sold ways and products to get rid of negative emotions and discomfort - many of which don’t work long-term.

Yet, in some circumstances, we actively seek out negative emotions and weirdly, they make us feel good.

Back in the ‘90s, I was an angsty teenager into grunge and indie music, struggling to adjust to university life. Well, life in general. I loved listening to sad and angsty songs.

Even though they were sad, I felt better because I connected emotionally to the sentiments - there was a common understanding to what I was going through. It seemed like someone ‘got me’ and I wasn’t alone.

It felt good.

I don’t know how many times I listed to The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony during that period on my CD Walkman (the old days!), but it was enough to annoy the heck out of my flatmates.

So if we’re messaged to ignore or get rid of our negative emotions, why do we seek them out?

Herein lies the paradox.

Also, if that’s the case, they can’t be all bad.

Feeling Sad Can Feel Good

A recent study by Professor Emery Schubert and their team from the University of New South Wales investigated this phenomenon with 50 undergraduate students. Participants selected a piece of sad music they loved from any genre or musical style, and it had to have an element of ‘enjoying the sadness’.

They were instructed to change their experience of the music chosen, by removing the ‘sadness’ element from it.

Now, if you’ve got a view that our thoughts and emotions can’t be adapted, this might seem odd. It’s something we do all the time without realising we do or can do it.

Here’s a thought experiment that might help (inspired by Computer Scientist and Author, Cal Newport):

1. Think about a boring task you have to do. Notice how you feel about it.

2. Now, picture an alien has come down from space and put a probe in your brain so that when you get bored, it delivers a painful shock

3. What would you change about the task so you don’t get bored? What habits would you lose or gain?

4. Notice what’s stopping you from making those changes?

5. How do you feel about the task now?

Chances are, the task doesn’t feel as boring, or at least there’s a sense of urgency about making it less boring!

Perhaps you’re more curious about it and have considered some strategies that alter your relationship to it.

This is a small example of how reflecting on your situation and the emotions related to it can shift if you put some mindful effort into it.

That’s pretty cool, right?

It gives us some techniques to play with when we’re in situations that drive unhelpful habits or actions, or lead to persistent discomfort and negativity.

Back to the research study - the researchers asked the participants to experience their chosen music after removing the ‘sadness’ they initially felt.

They rated how they felt about the music afterwards. A whopping 82% said they enjoyed the music less after the ‘sadness’ element was removed. This suggests we like feeling sad because it makes us feel good in certain situations.

This study supports the Direct Effect hypothesis, that we have an innate need to feel negative emotions created by music, and that it’s pleasurable. However, it isn’t mediated by an external factor i.e., by being moved by the music. The sadness directly links to the enjoyment of it.

Another key factor suggests that this approach gives us a ‘safer’ way to feel negative emotions. We create an experience where it’s OK to feel sad, which might impact why we also feel good about it.

A similar mechanism might occur to movie goers that love watching scary movies or horror flicks. They voluntarily choose to be scared or feel threat and fear, but in a ‘safe’ environment.

Even if it feels real, they know they’re not really at risk, so they’ve inherently given themselves permission to enjoy the experience. Michael Myers isn’t going to turn up in their kitchen on Halloween looking for Laurie Strode!

Negative Emotions Are OK, So Experiment

So, why does this matter? It’s an example of us choosing the negative emotions we want to experience and are OK with.

In fact, we even feel good about it due to the pleasurable or rewarding element.

There is so much information impacting us daily telling us how to be happier, avoiding pain (mentally and physically), and squashing discomfort. Buy x and you’ll feel y.

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes this is absolutely required and difficult situations need to be treated to improve safety, health, and quality of life.

But often, we compound our struggles by believing we shouldn’t feel any negative emotions or experience discomfort at all in life. Or that we’re failing or defective if that happens.

Discomfort and negative emotions are a constant part of life. It’s how we assess and deal with them that counts and makes a tangible difference.

Negative emotions in and of themselves are not harmful, and we can see examples here where we seek them out. They aren’t inherently bad.

In the right situations, negative emotions:

1. Are enjoyable and pleasurable

2. Contribute to a communal experience

3. Help us understand ourselves and/or the wider world

4. Guide us in challenging situations

5. Spur us to make changes that add meaning to life

How can you incorporate helpful negative emotions to your personal experiments?

Try these approaches:

1. Notice your emotional weather pattern as it changes during the day:

   1. Emotions are a combination of high or low arousal, and positive or negative feeling - find labels for how you feel and what might influence this

   2. Emotional granularity - having a good understanding of and recognising your emotions - improves how we manage and regulate our emotional state

   3. Recognising our emotions in more detail leads to a richer life experience

2. Experiment with negative emotions with purpose:

   1. Pick a sad song you love and listen to it at different times of the day

   2. Notice what comes up for you - thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, memories

   3. Try to make the experience even deeper - what can you change about the environment or how you play the sad song?

   4. What are the benefits of this process? What aspects do you enjoy?

3. Reflect on your wider life - work, home, relationships, health, hobbies etc:

   1. Notice where negative emotions appear that you might be avoiding

   2. What can you do instead to acknowledge or learn what these negative emotions are telling you?

   3. How will you benefit from doing this and leaning into them?

   4. What problems could you solve or decisions would you make?

Negative emotions can be painful and create discomfort, but we also seek them out.

They are a normal part of life and give us useful data about what’s going on. It’s even pleasurable if we use them wisely.

Lean into your full emotional experience and you’ll discover rewards and changes that guide your actions for the better!🚀

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Which sad songs do you enjoy or make you feel better?