Plan A Mental Retreat From The World To Calm Your Mind
Plan A Mental Retreat From The World To Calm Your Mind
3 ways to introduce solitude and recover from mental overload
I was desperate to be alone.
As the long Easter weekend approached, I yearned to escape and have time to myself.
The first quarter of 2024 has been hectic and exhausting. Full of ups, downs, challenges and recoveries - I wanted life to stop.
Pause. Inhale. Sigh.
I'm not the only one. Perhaps it's because my confirmation bias is kicking in, but I see the need for solitude everywhere.
Society is changing at an epic rate. Life's rollercoaster is hurtling out of control and we just want to get off the ride.
Not forever.
Just for now.
Often, the universe takes us to something or someone that is just what we needed in that moment.
I read an article in New Scientist by Heather Hansen titled ‘How mastering the art of being alone can boost your mental health’, and it seemed like a message directly for me.
How nice is it when we realise we have a shared experience? .
The Urge to Be Alone is Normal
In the US and UK, more and more of us spend time alone - up to 33% of our waking lives will be spent on our own.
For some, this is ideal. It gives us time to recover, restore and reset our nervous systems, and spend time doing things we want to do.
We nurture this sacred time to sit with our thoughts and contemplate what we want to do in the days and weeks ahead.
For others, this is scary or super odd. Being busy is a great way to distract ourselves from discomfort, difficult emotions or worrying about unsatisfactory things in life.
Time alone pushes those tricky thoughts and feelings front and centre.
It could also be a way of life. We move at 100 miles an hour, always have and always will. Time alone seems like a bonkers concept.
Why would I pace myself or slow down? That's weird.
And yet, being alone gives us valuable time to reflect on how we spend our lives and if that's where our attention should hover.
It's only when we step back and have time to finish a thought, feeling, idea or action that we assess how useful and helpful it is.
Since our lives are so packed, hectic and busy, it's no surprise that many of us are craving solitude and alone time.
One important point here. Craving solitude or wanting to be alone is different to loneliness.
Loneliness occurs when we are unsatisfied with our social interactions.
This is why in a room full of people, we still feel lonely. Quality, particularly when it comes to social engagement and our human needs, trumps quantity.
Loneliness has poor health outcomes, negatively impacts sleep quality, cardiovascular function and immune system function.
You can be lonely but still crave solitude. To combat loneliness though, a different strategy needs to be employed, looking at existing social engagement and what aspects are missing or unsatisfactory.
The desire and quality of both experiences is different so it's important to explore solitude versus loneliness intentionally and with clear expectations.
A recent study into people’s descriptions of solitude explored its main characteristics and themes. There were clear subjective and personal differences, but they found some common aspects:
Solitude is a state in which the dominant relationship is with the self. If not physically alone, people in solitude are mentally distanced from others and away from technology-mediated interactions.
Complete solitude involves both physical separation and inner focus.
Inner focus incorporates balancing solitude with social time, quiet and choice.
Weinstein, Hansen and Nguyen, 2022
But where do you begin to find those personal, quiet moments, especially when it seems like an alien concept to many of us?
Understanding the benefits and elements of solitude helps us craft and add it to our daily or weekly lives.
The Benefits of Solitude
Since the impact of overwhelm and constant busyness, having to meet others’ demands and not enforcing boundaries has ramped up in modern life, the urge for solitude becomes deafening.
Yet we need to find time and space for it.
Various studies have found that even 15 minutes of time spent alone (total solitude) increases feelings of calm and reduces feelings such as anxiety or excitement.
The time spent in solitude, if focused on positive thoughts or having a choice to be in solitude, reduced stress so well that it persisted across a couple of weeks.
The researchers term this the Deactivation Effect.
This resonates with me as I have to build in solitude on Sundays to recuperate from a busy day job and coaching during the week, and also Saturday morning in my coaching practice.
I restore a calmer baseline in my mind and body, and feel like I have agency over my time - this is so important when there are so many competing objectives and obligations.
It’s the sense that we don’t have control and are constantly at the beck and call of others or projects that drives much of our modern day stress.
It compounds the feeling that we run life on autopilot instead of LIVING in it!
None of us want to get to the end of our lives and wonder what we spent our time doing.
Even worse is having regrets because we didn’t take time to stop, adapt and enhance our lives in a more positive direction. For a good life, we need to pause frequently and check we’re living the life we want to live.
What other benefits come from incorporating solitude?
Well, focusing on inner-directed activities during periods of solitude increases self-discovery and inner peace.
Journalling is a good example of inner-directed activity that aids self-discovery and understanding our internal experience.
I’ve been exploring art-based journalling over the past year and this has been an incredibly positive personal and emotional experience.
It has helped me express my whole self in ways I didn’t realise I needed to, understand and express difficult emotions, and discover strengths that I can lean on.
Zoning out watching Netflix when I want can be satisfying if there’s a good show or movie I want to watch, but self-inquiry during solitude has a totally different and positive impact on my quality of life.
On this theme, solitude seems to foster increased creativity too, when people are able to choose time for themselves, versus escaping from the world.
Having time alone, whether undertaking a specific activity or not, where you can be yourself without pressure is a powerful benefit.
This helps people feel less pressure and have agency over their time. It’s an important counterpoint to challenge the frustration of feeling like you’re just here to do things for others.
It also supports reflection on how we want our social interactions to work. If we’re always running from one activity to another, and not able to assess how well our relationships function, we risk perpetuating unhealthy habits that don’t serve either party.
When we’re stressed and on autopilot, it’s easy to assume we know how others feel, rather than confirming our assumptions are accurate. We’re not as good at mind-reading as we think we are.
Recognise When You Need Solitude
Consider the thoughts, feelings/sensations, emotions and behaviours that kick in when you’re super stressed and overwhelmed.
There are common themes but everyone has their own stress signature - the combination of these experiences that indicate we’re feeling significant stress.
This also applies to the need for solitude. For my Solitude Signature, I get super cranky, find it hard to be around others and want to stop ‘being productive’ because it becomes overstimulating.
My thoughts take on a theme of ‘I just want to be somewhere else’, even if I’m doing activities with others that I would generally enjoy, and with people I love.
This conflict makes it hard to recognise that we need time alone, under our own choice, and doing what we require to calm our frazzled nervous systems.
Reflect on your signs that indicate you need solitude - your Solitude Signature. Share them in the comments below as I know others will find this helpful to recognise their signs and symptoms.
3 Ways to Introduce Solitude Into Your Life
Even the most extroverted person needs solitude to bring balance and agency to their lives.
If you’re incredibly busy or struggle to enforce boundaries, it might seem impossible to create spaces for solitude but just a few tweaks will work.
The positive thing from the research suggests there is no minimum time we need to benefit from solitude.
It’s back to that subjective aspect so if you find the right balance for you, it will help you calm your mind to feel better regulated again.
Here are 3 ways to introduce solitude:
Recognise your need for solitude signs and symptoms (Solitude Signature):
Reflect on previous times when you need to have time alone and away from obligations.
What were you thinking, doing, feeling? Who were you with? What time of day was it? Where were you?
Write or draw out as much of this as possible to build out your Solitude Signature. Keep this in mind as you go through your day to discover the context and triggers so you know when to incorporate solitude to rebalance.
Schedule a time and place for solitude:
Carve out times and places to introduce solitude into your day or week.
Remember, this doesn’t have to be a spa afternoon away. This is totally subjective, so 5 minutes in the office bathroom every day to do some deep breathing might be enough.
Or you could set your alarm 10 minutes earlier than needed so you have quiet time before the rest of the house wakes up. Find ways to promote the sense of choice when scheduling your solitude.
It could also be whilst you’re not physically separated from others. Use the morning or evening commute to carve out solitude. Discover how to reduce stimulation from the environment (safely!) so you can focus on inner experiences.
Choose your solitude activity/theme from your Solitude List:
Again, this benefits from the subjective nature of positive solitude, and the benefits you’ll get from it. It’s totally your choice!
Write a list of activities you would love to do if you had an hour to yourself - this is your Solitude List.
Some examples: listen to a podcast, read a book, do some gardening, watch your favourite movie, cook a meal, bake a cake, meditate in an online class, do nothing, etc.
When you’ve scheduled your solitude time/place, pick an activity from your Solitude List. Coming up with this list in advance removes uncertainty and makes it easier for your brain to plan for it.
Depending on the time you have available, you can dip into the best activity from your Solitude List, maintaining the choice and agency needed that that helps reduce stress and improve calm enjoyment.
Remember, we have more control over our lives than we think. Even those micro-moments that are totally and completely for you will make a difference.
As always, keep it simple, and find ways to introduce solitude into your day or week. Notice how it improves your calm and creativity, and keep going!🚀
How will you create your pockets of solitude in daily or weekly life? Which activities will you choose?
I've just read this during my morning coffee. It's a time of solitude. I can hear the birds outside, I'm enjoying the coffee and it's fab. It's a thing I look forward to when I go to sleep. I often ruin it by picking up my phone... But I'll try and not do that this week and see how it goes. As for the signature, I get short tempered, feel overwhelmed, but also procrastinate... My plan is to sit down, often with a coffee, look at my to-do list properly, pick an easy thing to do, do it and then I take the break, and sit outside and just think. I've been doing this and hoc, but I'll now be more conscious of it... Thanks for framing it so well!