Pros and Cons of Perfectionism And Escaping the Perfectionist Trap

Perfectionism drives suffering and distress, but is it all bad? Perhaps not

Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. Now I'm a recovering one.

For decades I thought it was a positive thing. “I've got high personal standards and go over and above for everyone. That makes me a good person, yes”?!

Hmm, doesn't quite work that way.

Unfortunately, when I look at myself and many burnt out clients, our internal struggle with perfectionistic tendencies become unhelpful and drive our stress-maintaining behaviours and poor coping strategies.

These make the situation worse before we realise it, but we’re not alone. When exploring perfectionism, I did some Reddit and social media trawling, looking for phrases and quotes that resonated.

Here are some from other perfectionists:

"You are always trying to be perfect and no less than perfect otherwise you are not worthy."

"But then when it comes to myself, if it's not perfect then I don't want to do it anymore or do it again."

"I tell myself if other people saw me or my work, they'd pick it apart and laugh at all the flaws"

I felt a pang of sadness reading these and many others. Especially for people starting the next phase of their studies, careers, businesses etc where it becomes debilitating.

You might avoid opportunities, or new challenges that would move you towards work or personal goals.

Each time that happens, we chip away at our self-esteem and it becomes ‘evidence’ for why we weren’t good enough or suitable in the first place.

No point trying next time. Then resentment sets in, but you strive even harder anyway.

You’re stuck in the perfectionist trap.

I remember these feelings clearly, and still struggle with it, albeit not as badly as before. It’s also common throughout our lifetimes if we don’t address the behaviours, distressing feelings and thoughts that keep us perpetually stuck.

What drives our journey into perfectionism?

Perfectionism becomes a common outcome for children that have an anxious, fearful, or avoidant attachment patterns with their main caregivers. It drives a need to ‘be or act perfect’ to minimise further chaos or negative attention from those around them.

Sometimes the cause or driver comes from positive attention received so a connection forms - if I do x, I get y, which feels good. Either way, we’re trying to attract positive experiences, or avoid discomfort or distressing ones in those early days, and these continue into adult life in slightly adapted ways.

These core beliefs about ourselves, others and the world get masked by every day life, so we forget where the original thoughts, emotional responses, or behaviours came from.

We notice the maladaptive adjustments made over time - the unhelpful thoughts, emotions or behaviours - but can’t work out why we do things that get in our way.

Sometimes, during really stressful periods in our lives, we pick up perfectionistic coping strategies to get us through a tough job, relationship or experience.

What we do on repeat becomes a habit, even if it no longer serves us now, maintaining the cycle.

Unhelpful/distorted cognitions or thoughts negatively influence our self-talk and get in our way, such as (but not limited to):

1. All-or-nothing thinking: see things in black and white, with no middle ground.

2. Catastrophising: assume the worst possible outcome.

3. Overgeneralising: draw broad conclusions from single events.

4. Mental Filter: focus exclusively on perceived flaws or mistakes, filtering out positive aspects.

5. Personalisation: take excessive responsibility for things outside your control.

It’s usually through self-reflection, therapy or coaching that we recognise what’s going on at a deeper level. Once that happens, a frameshift occurs - a shift in our perspective on the world that helps us make better choices and changes for the future.

So what is perfectionism and how can we harness the positive parts, and minimise the tricky ones? Let’s explore further.

The 2 x 2 Model of perfectionism

Being the neuro nerd that I am, I looked at the research on perfectionism.

There are several models out there if you’re curious, including:

• Frost Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale (FMPS) by Randy O. Frost

• Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale (MPS) by Paul L. Hewitt and Gordon L. Flett

• Dual Process Model of Perfectionism (DPM), also by Hewitt and Flett

• 2 x 2 Model of Perfectionism by Andrew P. Hill and Thomas Curran

These cover various aspects such as self-oriented perfectionism, other-oriented perfectionism and socially-oriented perfectionism, or perfectionist strivings and concerns.

What’s clear is that perfectionism is complex and covers multiple aspects. It’s easy to see how these get twisted by unhealthy beliefs or expectations to drive self-sabotaging behaviours. Also, why fear of social judgment influences so strongly, as it’s one of the biggest stressors that exists.

Digging further, numerous studies seem to validate the 2 x 2 Model, as its dual dimensions - perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns - categorised into subtypes offers a valuable framework for testing.

Let’s dive into these two overarching and interacting dimensions:

• Perfectionistic Strivings: These are positive aspects of perfectionism involving setting high personal standards and striving for excellence.

• Perfectionistic Concerns: These are negative aspects of perfectionism typified by fear of failure, excessive self-criticism, and concerns about making mistakes.

Does this ring true for you? It does for me. I love striving to be better, achieving, and meeting challenges I set myself or for my teams.

But it is a double-edged sword if I get too into my head and fear judgment from others. I get stuck with overthinking, analysis paralysis and overworking tasks so they never get done or finished.

Then, I believe everyone thinks I’m rubbish and one mistake will ruin my reputation forever. Harsh or what?

What do aspects of perfectionism feel like?

The 2 x 2 Model summarises this dualistic and often conflicting nature of perfectionism nicely.

It highlights how both perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns interact to influence thoughts, behaviours, emotional experiences, and therefore wellbeing outcomes.

Here’s my depiction of the 2 x 2 Model - my inner perfectionist is super uncomfortable with the typos, corrections and squiffy lines.

But if I’m writing about perfectionism, I should walk-the-walk and publish as-is, right?

Warts ‘n all…

2 x 2 Model of Perfectionism adapted from Hill and Curran by Sabrina Ahmed

You might see the quadrant headings labelled differently elsewhere. These are the ones that made sense to me during my research.

The 2 x 2 Model helps differentiate between more and less adaptive forms of perfectionism. Looking across the whole, it seems that high perfectionistic concerns are more troublesome than high perfectionistic strivings.

Reviewing this 2 x 2 Model, what resonates for you?

This is what comes up for me:

1. Fearful avoider -

   1. This shows up when I’m faced with something new or that I’m inexperienced in.

   2. I take pride in doing things well, but in scenarios with social judgement or assessment, I become very self-conscious.

   3. Take writing and publishing articles weekly on Substack (!). Although I wanted to do it for ages, I only got into the habit once I joined the Badassery Mastermind with others trying to get better at online writing.

   4. I was able to experiment safely and reduce my fear and procrastination, realising that mistakes are a key part of the learning process.

2. Worried achiever -

   1. This shows up for me in the workplace. Again, there is a social-judgment element to it, especially if I’m working with others with high standards or are less forgiving.

   2. I switch into ‘machine-mode’ and work extra hard and become self-critical, whilst double and triple checking everything.

   3. I’m so nervous and worried about getting called out for mistakes.

   4. When I’m burnt out, this is a key burnout pattern for me that reinforces unhelpful coping strategies. I’ll overwork things for diminishing returns to feel in control.

Your versions of this might be slightly different, but what’s often common is the core beliefs that sit underneath these subtypes.

These include:

• Fear of failure

• Fear of social rejection

• Fear of not being good enough

• Fear of making mistakes

• Fear of being unlovable/not worthy

No wonder perfectionism has so many negative connotations.

If we believe, consciously or unconsciously that these core beliefs are true and the responses we get provide ‘evidence’ for them, we’re destined to get stuck in this never-ending and unhealthy perfectionism loop.

But what about the flip-side?

The 2 x 2 Model isn’t all negative or unhealthy. And perhaps herein lies the key of how perfectionism remains in our psychological toolbox at all.

There are benefits associated with it.

How perfectionism helps you achieve your best

Let’s go back to the 2 x 2 Model and look at the low perfectionistic concerns row. The bottom left hand quadrant is perhaps where many of us wish we were - the easygoing realist.

Have you met one of them? Everything seems to be so doable. They get it done with minimum fuss and hassle. Whenever I spot these people in the workplace, I ask them how they seem so chilled. I’m at that age where I care less about being a weirdo when it comes to curiosity.

The potential downside with this subtype is not striving for goals or standards where they could achieve more with their skill and capabilities.

They might end up coasting and not stretching themselves unless they were in a different environment.

Next to this is the ambitious achiever, which seems to be the ‘perfectionism sweet spot’ if there ever was one. It balances high striving with low concerns. The drive and motivation for achievement exists, but the concerns of negative external perception of failure, mistakes or self-criticism is less intense.

I believe a previous boss was in this ambitious achiever type. Even if they felt stressed in the moment, they could move past it and get on with the tasks or matter at hand. I asked them how they did it, and they hadn’t realised had this strategy. They guessed they likely ‘managed stress quickly’.

To me, this looked like no dilly-dallying, or trying to have the perfect set up, checking with everyone if their work was OK, spending hours and days on perfecting PowerPoint before emailing it across and waiting with baited breath for the email response deluge to occur telling them they were rubbish.

They had an inbuilt ‘this is good enough’ radar and got on with it.

Don’t you just hate them!? :)

Instead, use this as a benchmark to aim for it you realise you’re in one of the other 2 x 2 Model subtypes. Often, knowing what to aim for helps guide a useful shift in how we think, feel and act.

If in doubt, remember the ambitious achiever. You’ll manage your mental and physical energy better and get more done in the long run.

How to escape the perfectionist trap

As with most things, self-awareness is a great first step. If you’re not sure what that means in this context, scroll to the top and re-read up to this point.

But self-awareness alone doesn’t rewire a brain for new behaviours and strategies.

You need to put these new concepts and ideas into action, otherwise your brain won’t predict reality in a different way. That’s why we repeat the same mistakes over and over again, even though we know better.

Knowing what you need to do differently is only half the equation. Doing the new different thing is the other.

Here are three exercises to try and escape the shadow of perfectionism in your own life:

1. Thought Reframing Exercise:

   1. This exercise addresses the perfectionist thoughts like the ones shared above e.g. "You are always trying to be perfect and no less than perfect otherwise you are not worthy."

   2. Identify and write down a perfectionist thought you often have.

   3. Explore and examine the evidence for and against this thought. Get specific.

   4. Create a more balanced, realistic alternative thought.

   5. Practice replacing the perfectionist thought with the new, balanced thought.

   6. Over time, the new thought becomes more automatic and front of mind.

   7. Check out this mindset transformation post for a template to try this.

2. Self-Compassion Mirror or Befriending Work:

   1. This exercise addresses the discrepancy between how perfectionists treat themselves versus others, e.g. "I am also not like this when it comes to others - I tell them to do their best and if they did, then it's good enough."

   2. Stand in front of a mirror or the camera in selfie mode on your phone. If you’re British, like me, this might feel awkward but stick with it.

   3. Imagine your reflection or image is a close friend who's struggling with perfectionism.

   4. Speak to your reflection or image as if you’re talking to this friend, offering words of kindness, understanding, and encouragement.

   5. Internalise these compassionate messages, accepting them as true for yourself.

   6. Lean into the resistance that might appear and repeat unless that eases.

3. ‘Good Enough’ Goal Setting:

   1. This exercise challenges the all-or-nothing thinking often associated with perfectionism, e.g. "But then when it comes to myself, if it's not perfect then I don't want to do it anymore or do it again."

   2. An old boss of mine used a great phrase to frame this when I was struggling with perfectionism - it’s not 1 x 100% step to progress, but 100 x 1% steps. Choose a task or project you’ve been avoiding due to perfectionist fears.

   3. Break down the task into smaller, manageable steps (1%s). Make them simple.

   4. For each step, define what "good enough" looks like - a realistic standard that's achievable without extreme effort and fits with your energy levels.

   5. Commit to completing each step to the "good enough" standard, rather than aiming for perfection.

   6. Once completed, reflect on the process and outcomes, focused on progress over perfection. Savour how good it feels so you make this a desirable habit.

You don’t need to try all of these at the same time - stop being so perfectionistic about your perfectionism recovery. I see you over there :)

Pick one that seems achievable and give it a go. Small experiments give useful feedback so you can reflect, tweak and try again.

Remember, done is better than perfect.

Key takeaways

Perfectionism becomes debilitating if it’s left unchecked and leads to unhealthy coping strategies.

But it’s not all bad. With the right balance, those tendencies keep you motivated and you strive for goals and challenges you feel great achieving.

When you notice unhelpful perfectionistic thoughts, emotions or behaviours, remember the 2 x 2 Model and reflect on which subtype you’re in.

Query where your perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns levels are. What’s in your zone of control and make changes.

Try one of these exercises to escape your perfectionist trap:

1. Thought Reframing Exercise: Identify a perfectionist thought, examine evidence for and against it, then create and practice a more balanced alternative thought.

2. Self-Compassion Mirror Work: Speak to your reflection or selfie-image as if it were a friend struggling with perfectionism, offering kindness and encouragement, then internalise these compassionate messages.

3. ‘Good Enough’ Goal Setting: Break a task into smaller steps, define realistic ‘good enough’ standards for each, commit to meeting these standards, and reflect on progress over perfection. Savour small wins as you go.

Becoming perfectionistic is a natural response and comes from trying to get control over our circumstances. Our brains yearn for certainty, safety and protection to bring calm and manage energy as efficiently as possible.

But don’t get stuck in unhelpful coping strategies if they no longer serve you.

Challenge these patterns head-on. Set achievable standards and make real progress toward your goals. Leave the distress behind. You've got this.

---

What shows up in your perfectionist trap - thoughts, emotions or actions etc - and what helps you escape?