Resilience Is Relational - Pick Your People Wisely Or Pay The Price
Not all support is created equal - choose your boundaries to stay sane

We love to romanticise resilience as this lone-wolf, self-powered, boss-energy strength. The kind that says, “Push through on your own - you are a rock!”
But here’s the truth I’ve had to sit with this week:
Resilience isn’t just about how strong you are. It’s about whether the people around you hold you up or quietly let you fall.
And sometimes? We get it wrong about who’s actually there for us.
When support doesn’t show up: A personal reality check
This past week, I had two separate experiences that smacked me in the face with this realisation.
The First - the friend who didn’t let me in
I found out - through the grapevine - that a close mate had gone through a huge life change.
Not from them. From someone I hadn’t spoken to in over a year.
I was gutted and felt foolish.
They’d been quieter than usual, but I assumed it was family stuff. Turns out, they were struggling but chose not to let me in.
I pride myself on being a safe, open space for people. So why wasn’t I in their inner circle for this?
I felt sad for them and what they’re going through.
And, if I’m honest? Disappointed and p*ssed off for myself.
These two emotions coexisting? Uncomfortable as hell.
The Second - the serial flaker
A different friend flaked on plans again. The excuse? Work. As usual.
To be fair, it was a legit reason. They’re senior, busy and important.
And look, I’m not perfect here either. There’ve been times my own health and workload made me unreliable.
But after years of this same dynamic, the familiar feeling crept in:
Sad. Disappointed. Pissed off.
Double whammy.
I felt rejected twice-over.
And in both cases, I found myself asking the same sinking question:
Was I just wrong about these relationships?
Turns out, maybe. And there’s a psychological reason why.
Wishful perceiving: why we assume people are more supportive than they actually are
A recent study by Ginosar Yaari, S. et al. (2024) explores wishful perceiving - A values-based bias or blind spot that makes us assume people we care about see the world like we do - even when they don’t.
Because we want them to.
We assume people are more supportive, emotionally available, or reliable than they actually are - because we need them to be.
And when they fall short? It feels like betrayal.
Does it sound familiar to you too?
Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve:
Expected a friend to show up the way you would, only to be let down.
Assumed you were a confidante, only to realise you weren’t in the loop.
Stayed in a relationship, situationship, or friendship too long, believing the support was there, when it wasn’t.
The problem? This bias or blind spot makes us rely on the wrong people for the wrong things.
And when they disappoint us, we take it personally. If you’ve got shaky attachment or rejection sensitivity, it hits even harder.
We internalise it. We tell ourselves we weren’t good enough, or we should’ve known better. Silly us, in this situation again.
Then we turn to unhelpful coping patterns to feel better - Busy Bee, Marching Soldier, Comfort-Seeker, Overthinker etc.
Which only makes things worse.
So, how do we fix it?
By getting brutally honest about who’s actually there for us, and who isn’t.
The Support Map: who’s solid and who’s flaky?
Most of us don’t regularly assess our support system. We assume people will be there when we need them.
But will they?
It’s time for a reality check.
This might seem harsh (ranking people? Oof.), but radical honesty is what stops us from pouring energy into the wrong places.
Because if you’re relying on the wrong people, you’re setting yourself up for stress and disappointment.
If people aren't there for you, it's OK to set them free.
Ranking your support system - the five tiers of support
After looking at my own history (and the research), here’s how I’m mapping my support system to create The Support Map:
Tier 1: Solid as a Rock (Reliable, present, emotionally safe)
Shows up when it matters, no questions asked.
Supports without judgment or making it about them.
You leave interactions feeling better, not worse.
Your “one call from the police station” person.
Tier 2: Mostly There, But… (Supportive, but inconsistent or with limits)
Wants to help but isn’t always available.
Sometimes centres their own issues when you need support.
Good for lighter issues, but not deep emotional reliance.
Might not notice when you need them unless you ask directly.
Tier 3: Surface-Level Socials (Fun, but not emotionally dependable)
Great for laughs, distractions, or casual chats.
Wouldn’t be the first person you’d call in a crisis.
Offers surface support or sympathy (“That sucks!”) but not real action or support.
You wish it was a deeper connection, but it never quite gets there.
Tier 4: The Emotional Dropouts (Unreliable or draining)
Says they care, but disappears when things get real.
Might dismiss your feelings (“You’re overthinking or being defensive”).
Often takes more than they give.
You might be stuck in this pattern due to old patterns (e.g. unhealthy familiarity).
Tier 5: Burnout Builders (Toxic, dismissive, or harmful - the energy vampires)
Make you feel worse, not better, after interactions.
Gaslight, guilt-trip, or demand emotional labour from you.
Reinforce stress, insecurity, or exhaustion.
Might love-bomb at first, then make excuses for being unavailable.
How to create your own Support Map
Grab your notebook or digital device
Draw or create a table with these Tier headings
List the people in your life under each category - without wishful perceiving.
Ask yourself:
Who actually belongs in Tier 1?
Who have I treated like a Tier 1, but really belongs in Tier 4?
Where am I wasting energy that would be better spent elsewhere?
It might sting. But it’s the only way to stop expecting support from people who can’t give it.
Remember:
This is what determines whether your resilience is strengthened or eroded by the people around you.
Try not to give way to excuses or do yourself down.
You deserve love, respect and support just like we all do.
If you get a knot in your stomach, a pang of disappointment, an ache in your heart, lean into that.
This might seem like a cognitive activity - and it is - but it’s also vital emotional work to stop wasting time, energy and resources in the wrong places.
How to shift your support system for real resilience
So, you’ve created your Support Map. Now what?
Adjust expectations without resentment
Not everyone has to be a Tier 1 friend. Some people are great for fun but not for deep support. That’s fine - just don’t rely on them emotionally.
Stop expecting consistency from inconsistent people. If someone has shown you who they are, believe them.
Invest more in the people who show up
If someone is solid, nurture that connection.
It might not feel “exciting” at first, but that’s unhealthy patterns talking. Stability is underrated.
Rebuild trust in support - slowly and on reasonable terms
If you’ve been let down too many times, it’s easy to think “I can’t trust anyone.” But resilience isn’t built in isolation.
Start small: Let the right people in, little by little. Give them chances to prove they’re solid.
If it’s someone who let you down but is still a keeper, self-protection is OK. Pace yourself as you rebuild trust.
Walk away from the energy drains and vampires
If someone consistently makes you feel worse, consider distancing or disengaging.
I find this one tough at times, but it’s what keeps us stuck in constant frustration. Accept life is too short for that.
Resilience isn’t just about pushing through - sometimes, it’s about choosing not to push for people who don’t deserve it.
Applying The Support Map: hard calls and clear decisions
So, what am I going to do about my tricky friendship situations?
For The First, I bit the bullet and called them.
Was it awkward? Yes. Did I feel passive-aggressive? Also yes. But I kept it balanced (I think!).
They apologised for shutting me out, and it feels like we’re at least rebuilding toward a more aligned understanding. Let’s see how it plays out.
For The Second, there’s been radio silence from both sides. And with my 2025 no-more-taking-cr*p attitude, I finally see it for what it is:
I've never been a priority in this friendship - at least not for a long time. And I’ve been excusing that for years.
Even with empathy for their situation, the pattern won’t change. If I’m always the afterthought, why keep showing up?
So, I’ll go quiet. And if they reach out, I’ll explain why.
Not everyone belongs in Tier 1 or 2 - and that’s OK.
But clinging to people in the wrong tier? That’s a one-way ticket to frustration.
Sometimes, protecting your peace is the real power move.
Key takeaways
We assume the people we care about will show up for us the way we’d show up for them. But that’s not always the case.
Wishful perceiving makes us overestimate support, keeping us stuck in friendships and dynamics that drain more than they give.
The reality? Not everyone deserves a front-row seat in your life.
If you keep getting let down, it’s time for a reality check.
Map your Support System honestly - who’s solid, who’s inconsistent, and who’s taking up space without giving anything back?
Resilience isn’t about doing it all alone.
It’s about choosing the right people to endure with.
P.S. Ready to reset and build real resilience? Join me for the Quarterly Face It To Make It Live Action Board Masterclass on March 14th at 9-10pm GMT (local time zone). Through creativity coaching, you’ll visualise a clear goal and the actions to get there. Register now and make it happen.
I've never been good at stopping people crash through my boundaries. With this post I intend to make new ones and defend those fences. I know I deserve at least that much. Both my kids have told their father and me that we were pushovers as parents. I know I was, but that was then. This is now. I can do it.
Sabrina, I had a REALLY good conversation with my friend today (my current crush, lol.) But before we get to that, wow, I've stopped believing that Tier 1 people exist. Not because people are bad to me, but because everyone's always busy (I blame capitalism.)
The fact that most of my friends are in a different country doesn't help. My family live on the other side of the planet too. Maybe I'm a bit lonely sometimes. I live alone and don't see anyone in person other than my clients, doctor, and physiotherapist! It's partly because of my lack of effort in reaching out to people in person since the pandemic. (Or just laziness.) I always respond when people reach out, though.
Even if someone lives with us, like a partner, I hate the idea that someone is always obligated to show up for you. So I actively resisted that idea, not wanting to infringe on anybody's freedom. But I realize now that I may be going to the opposite extreme, and neglecting my needs for the sake of "respecting other people's freedom."
Sorry this is a long comment, but I really wanted to share this with you:
So my crush friend had this quirk where occasionally, they would ignore a message from me. They said that they just get distracted and forget to respond sometimes. For months, I believed this. And I did get their permission to remind them of missed messages.
But lately, they ignored this longish heartfelt message. (Though they replied to my shorter messages.) Sigh I felt pissed off for the past few days over this. Normally, I could get a response by apologizing for what I believed was the problem, e.g. if my question was too personal, controversial, offensive, etc. But this message was so benign and even uplifting. So I felt like I just had to deal with it.
I read up tips on how to self-soothe for people with anxious attachment style. But they only talked about romantic partners. I long believed that I'm not allowed to ask for things, because I'm "just" a friend, not a romantic partner. But this morning, I realized I AM allowed to ask. I'm not comfortable expressing anger (since I know I get defensive when someone tells me they were upset with me.) So instead, I like to talk directly about the problem and request a solution, which typically works for me.
So with my crush friend, I reminded them today of the message they hadn't replied to. Well, they said they didn't have anything to add to my comment, but they were glad that things were working well for me.
Then I asked my friend if it would help for me to write more concisely. Since I have the bad habit of writing my stream of consciousness, rather than editing and cutting down my long comments. They replied that they don't mind the long responses, as long as they're not expected to match in length for the sake of "balance." Since it takes a lot of effort and they may just procrastinate on responding.
Ah I told them that I figured that might have been the issue. Since I realize that I felt obligated to write long comments on friends' stories. Even though my friends would probably appreciate short comments too, no need for long ones. Anyway, I told my friend that I know they're very busy. I'd be happy to hear just a short response to my long comment, or even just an emoji react, which takes a second. It would help a lot to reassure me that they weren't offended by what I said, and that everything is still cool between us.
My friend agreed that they could do that. And they said honestly that would make it much easier for them.
LOL so you see what happened there? My friend and I had mismatched relationship expectations. (Unrelated to my crush thing.) My friend believes in fairness and reciprocation. So they assumed that when I write them a long message, that I expect them to give the same energy (same length) back. But in reality, I don't expect exact reciprocation at all! I understand that they have a full time job and a very active social life. I have only a part time job and no (in person) social life. So of course I have more time to write long essays than they do.
My expectation/ hope was for the other person to at least acknowledge my messages. Even if it's just a short reply or an emoji react. So that I don't have to worry that I made them angry or uncomfortable. My friend was understanding and didn't mock me for being "sensitive" or "anxious" or "paranoid." So that's good!
I know my friend cared a lot about balance, so not an uneven give and take. So they unconsciously assumed that I want the same thing from them. (Long messages all the time.) But lol, I actually believed that due to the two people's different circumstances and skillsets, there is no equally balanced friendship. We just figure out something that works well for our needs. Doesn't have to be perfect but at least something we're okay with. They desire to save more time, which I'm very happy to give to them. I desire acknowledgement, no matter how small, and they are happy to give that to me.
Sorry for that mega essay, but I really wanted to share that. And it's relevant to your lovely article too, haha. Yeah sometimes we set ourselves up for failure, because two people have different expectations and hidden assumptions. If we're able to communicate our needs, assumptions, expectations, etc., we may come up with a solution that is mutually satisfying. And both parties feel respected. (So my friend doesn't feel forced to do more work than they can. And I don't feel forced to sit with so much silence and suspense.)