Sabrina, I had a REALLY good conversation with my friend today (my current crush, lol.) But before we get to that, wow, I've stopped believing that Tier 1 people exist. Not because people are bad to me, but because everyone's always busy (I blame capitalism.)
The fact that most of my friends are in a different country doesn't help. My family live on the other side of the planet too. Maybe I'm a bit lonely sometimes. I live alone and don't see anyone in person other than my clients, doctor, and physiotherapist! It's partly because of my lack of effort in reaching out to people in person since the pandemic. (Or just laziness.) I always respond when people reach out, though.
Even if someone lives with us, like a partner, I hate the idea that someone is always obligated to show up for you. So I actively resisted that idea, not wanting to infringe on anybody's freedom. But I realize now that I may be going to the opposite extreme, and neglecting my needs for the sake of "respecting other people's freedom."
Sorry this is a long comment, but I really wanted to share this with you:
So my crush friend had this quirk where occasionally, they would ignore a message from me. They said that they just get distracted and forget to respond sometimes. For months, I believed this. And I did get their permission to remind them of missed messages.
But lately, they ignored this longish heartfelt message. (Though they replied to my shorter messages.) Sigh I felt pissed off for the past few days over this. Normally, I could get a response by apologizing for what I believed was the problem, e.g. if my question was too personal, controversial, offensive, etc. But this message was so benign and even uplifting. So I felt like I just had to deal with it.
I read up tips on how to self-soothe for people with anxious attachment style. But they only talked about romantic partners. I long believed that I'm not allowed to ask for things, because I'm "just" a friend, not a romantic partner. But this morning, I realized I AM allowed to ask. I'm not comfortable expressing anger (since I know I get defensive when someone tells me they were upset with me.) So instead, I like to talk directly about the problem and request a solution, which typically works for me.
So with my crush friend, I reminded them today of the message they hadn't replied to. Well, they said they didn't have anything to add to my comment, but they were glad that things were working well for me.
Then I asked my friend if it would help for me to write more concisely. Since I have the bad habit of writing my stream of consciousness, rather than editing and cutting down my long comments. They replied that they don't mind the long responses, as long as they're not expected to match in length for the sake of "balance." Since it takes a lot of effort and they may just procrastinate on responding.
Ah I told them that I figured that might have been the issue. Since I realize that I felt obligated to write long comments on friends' stories. Even though my friends would probably appreciate short comments too, no need for long ones. Anyway, I told my friend that I know they're very busy. I'd be happy to hear just a short response to my long comment, or even just an emoji react, which takes a second. It would help a lot to reassure me that they weren't offended by what I said, and that everything is still cool between us.
My friend agreed that they could do that. And they said honestly that would make it much easier for them.
LOL so you see what happened there? My friend and I had mismatched relationship expectations. (Unrelated to my crush thing.) My friend believes in fairness and reciprocation. So they assumed that when I write them a long message, that I expect them to give the same energy (same length) back. But in reality, I don't expect exact reciprocation at all! I understand that they have a full time job and a very active social life. I have only a part time job and no (in person) social life. So of course I have more time to write long essays than they do.
My expectation/ hope was for the other person to at least acknowledge my messages. Even if it's just a short reply or an emoji react. So that I don't have to worry that I made them angry or uncomfortable. My friend was understanding and didn't mock me for being "sensitive" or "anxious" or "paranoid." So that's good!
I know my friend cared a lot about balance, so not an uneven give and take. So they unconsciously assumed that I want the same thing from them. (Long messages all the time.) But lol, I actually believed that due to the two people's different circumstances and skillsets, there is no equally balanced friendship. We just figure out something that works well for our needs. Doesn't have to be perfect but at least something we're okay with. They desire to save more time, which I'm very happy to give to them. I desire acknowledgement, no matter how small, and they are happy to give that to me.
Sorry for that mega essay, but I really wanted to share that. And it's relevant to your lovely article too, haha. Yeah sometimes we set ourselves up for failure, because two people have different expectations and hidden assumptions. If we're able to communicate our needs, assumptions, expectations, etc., we may come up with a solution that is mutually satisfying. And both parties feel respected. (So my friend doesn't feel forced to do more work than they can. And I don't feel forced to sit with so much silence and suspense.)
Hey Sieran! Thanks for your ever so long, thoughtful but resonating comment! I was feeling the same things as your friend when I saw the length of this comment.
I thought, oh gosh, there's so much interesting and valuable stuff here, I need to think deeply about my response, so I'll put a holding message etc etc
You've just beautifully demonstrated how we need to communicate our relational expectations to each other. And give permission if it's needed or requested to be asynchronous.
I get your initial points about lack of Tier 1 relationships - I've also likely isolated myself too much post Covid and my dad dying. It's something I'm focusing on again through this writing and coaching process - to be more hopeful and curious.
I'd love that curiosity for you too if it's not too tricky. But I get where that self-protection comes from. x
Thank you! I remember near the beginning of our acquaintance, my friend said I brought up so many interesting points, they wanted to cover all of them and not let anything go neglected. I was happy to hear that, but didn't realize that it would grow into dread later on, haha. So I'm glad we could clear that up.
Later in the day yesterday, my friend was honest with me too. They were uncomfortable with some things I said in the group chat. So for context, my friend is a very popular Pokemon fanfic author, kind of like a niche celebrity. Ah, they asked me if I could refrain from making such huge fan enthusiasm, borderline fan worship comments in the chat? Since they don't want to be put on a pedestal, or for others in the group to start seeing them as some big creator and everyone else to be fans. They just want to be seen as one of many contributors and enjoyers of the fandom.
Oh man! There were some other folks who made very enthusiastic comments about my friend before, but maybe not as egregious as my comments yesterday. I apologized and said I was glad they were able to be honest with me. Since that gives me the confidence that they can be honest with me in the future, so I don't need to guess their intentions!
They also didn't love it when I said, "Would you like me to call you by masculine terms? (Since they called themselves a "guy"). If so, I'd be happy to and give you gender euphoria!" My friend said it's strange to hear someone say they can give them gender euphoria, as that's something only they can give to themselves. Oooh good thing they told me, since me and some other friends often use such phrasing. Yeah we can't actually make people feel things, even with benign intentions.
So that was a roller coaster. I felt sick to my stomach that I made my friend uncomfortable. :'( But I know I am forgiven. I think a perhaps hidden plea, is that my friend wants me to stop seeing them as some superior being, and just see us as equals. Maybe it's a note for me to take myself more seriously too. (I did tell them that I think highly of myself as a writer, though, haha. But I'm more experienced with original fiction, and am newer to fanfiction writing.)
Yeah my friend is just a really good person. They are uncomfortable being elevated above other people. Wow many other people, maybe including me, would not have the humility to ask their fan friend to stop gushing about them, lol. I'd probably just bask in all that praise. XD
This resonates with me a lot. However, there is a twist to this. I noticed over a long period of time that it is not only that others don't come up to my expectations, I also sometimes myself do not come up to all the people who would expect from me. Catch here is that since life is a cycle and there are sometimes pits we fall into, we may not be able to act as expected. That may not always mean that I was not Tier 1 but at that particular time, it was not possible for me to act as Tier 1. Really enjoyed reading this. I can tell that you have put your soul in writing this. Cheers
Spot on Tariq. This process definitely makes us consider how we show up for others. I've realised I've not been as Tier 1 as I have liked so that's part of my strategy this year - connect and show up more for the people who matter. It's so easy to get caught up in other patterns but if we also don't learn and change, the issue persists. Appreciate your thoughtful response!
I've never been good at stopping people crash through my boundaries. With this post I intend to make new ones and defend those fences. I know I deserve at least that much. Both my kids have told their father and me that we were pushovers as parents. I know I was, but that was then. This is now. I can do it.
Sabrina, I had a REALLY good conversation with my friend today (my current crush, lol.) But before we get to that, wow, I've stopped believing that Tier 1 people exist. Not because people are bad to me, but because everyone's always busy (I blame capitalism.)
The fact that most of my friends are in a different country doesn't help. My family live on the other side of the planet too. Maybe I'm a bit lonely sometimes. I live alone and don't see anyone in person other than my clients, doctor, and physiotherapist! It's partly because of my lack of effort in reaching out to people in person since the pandemic. (Or just laziness.) I always respond when people reach out, though.
Even if someone lives with us, like a partner, I hate the idea that someone is always obligated to show up for you. So I actively resisted that idea, not wanting to infringe on anybody's freedom. But I realize now that I may be going to the opposite extreme, and neglecting my needs for the sake of "respecting other people's freedom."
Sorry this is a long comment, but I really wanted to share this with you:
So my crush friend had this quirk where occasionally, they would ignore a message from me. They said that they just get distracted and forget to respond sometimes. For months, I believed this. And I did get their permission to remind them of missed messages.
But lately, they ignored this longish heartfelt message. (Though they replied to my shorter messages.) Sigh I felt pissed off for the past few days over this. Normally, I could get a response by apologizing for what I believed was the problem, e.g. if my question was too personal, controversial, offensive, etc. But this message was so benign and even uplifting. So I felt like I just had to deal with it.
I read up tips on how to self-soothe for people with anxious attachment style. But they only talked about romantic partners. I long believed that I'm not allowed to ask for things, because I'm "just" a friend, not a romantic partner. But this morning, I realized I AM allowed to ask. I'm not comfortable expressing anger (since I know I get defensive when someone tells me they were upset with me.) So instead, I like to talk directly about the problem and request a solution, which typically works for me.
So with my crush friend, I reminded them today of the message they hadn't replied to. Well, they said they didn't have anything to add to my comment, but they were glad that things were working well for me.
Then I asked my friend if it would help for me to write more concisely. Since I have the bad habit of writing my stream of consciousness, rather than editing and cutting down my long comments. They replied that they don't mind the long responses, as long as they're not expected to match in length for the sake of "balance." Since it takes a lot of effort and they may just procrastinate on responding.
Ah I told them that I figured that might have been the issue. Since I realize that I felt obligated to write long comments on friends' stories. Even though my friends would probably appreciate short comments too, no need for long ones. Anyway, I told my friend that I know they're very busy. I'd be happy to hear just a short response to my long comment, or even just an emoji react, which takes a second. It would help a lot to reassure me that they weren't offended by what I said, and that everything is still cool between us.
My friend agreed that they could do that. And they said honestly that would make it much easier for them.
LOL so you see what happened there? My friend and I had mismatched relationship expectations. (Unrelated to my crush thing.) My friend believes in fairness and reciprocation. So they assumed that when I write them a long message, that I expect them to give the same energy (same length) back. But in reality, I don't expect exact reciprocation at all! I understand that they have a full time job and a very active social life. I have only a part time job and no (in person) social life. So of course I have more time to write long essays than they do.
My expectation/ hope was for the other person to at least acknowledge my messages. Even if it's just a short reply or an emoji react. So that I don't have to worry that I made them angry or uncomfortable. My friend was understanding and didn't mock me for being "sensitive" or "anxious" or "paranoid." So that's good!
I know my friend cared a lot about balance, so not an uneven give and take. So they unconsciously assumed that I want the same thing from them. (Long messages all the time.) But lol, I actually believed that due to the two people's different circumstances and skillsets, there is no equally balanced friendship. We just figure out something that works well for our needs. Doesn't have to be perfect but at least something we're okay with. They desire to save more time, which I'm very happy to give to them. I desire acknowledgement, no matter how small, and they are happy to give that to me.
Sorry for that mega essay, but I really wanted to share that. And it's relevant to your lovely article too, haha. Yeah sometimes we set ourselves up for failure, because two people have different expectations and hidden assumptions. If we're able to communicate our needs, assumptions, expectations, etc., we may come up with a solution that is mutually satisfying. And both parties feel respected. (So my friend doesn't feel forced to do more work than they can. And I don't feel forced to sit with so much silence and suspense.)
Hey Sieran! Thanks for your ever so long, thoughtful but resonating comment! I was feeling the same things as your friend when I saw the length of this comment.
I thought, oh gosh, there's so much interesting and valuable stuff here, I need to think deeply about my response, so I'll put a holding message etc etc
You've just beautifully demonstrated how we need to communicate our relational expectations to each other. And give permission if it's needed or requested to be asynchronous.
I get your initial points about lack of Tier 1 relationships - I've also likely isolated myself too much post Covid and my dad dying. It's something I'm focusing on again through this writing and coaching process - to be more hopeful and curious.
I'd love that curiosity for you too if it's not too tricky. But I get where that self-protection comes from. x
Thank you! I remember near the beginning of our acquaintance, my friend said I brought up so many interesting points, they wanted to cover all of them and not let anything go neglected. I was happy to hear that, but didn't realize that it would grow into dread later on, haha. So I'm glad we could clear that up.
Later in the day yesterday, my friend was honest with me too. They were uncomfortable with some things I said in the group chat. So for context, my friend is a very popular Pokemon fanfic author, kind of like a niche celebrity. Ah, they asked me if I could refrain from making such huge fan enthusiasm, borderline fan worship comments in the chat? Since they don't want to be put on a pedestal, or for others in the group to start seeing them as some big creator and everyone else to be fans. They just want to be seen as one of many contributors and enjoyers of the fandom.
Oh man! There were some other folks who made very enthusiastic comments about my friend before, but maybe not as egregious as my comments yesterday. I apologized and said I was glad they were able to be honest with me. Since that gives me the confidence that they can be honest with me in the future, so I don't need to guess their intentions!
They also didn't love it when I said, "Would you like me to call you by masculine terms? (Since they called themselves a "guy"). If so, I'd be happy to and give you gender euphoria!" My friend said it's strange to hear someone say they can give them gender euphoria, as that's something only they can give to themselves. Oooh good thing they told me, since me and some other friends often use such phrasing. Yeah we can't actually make people feel things, even with benign intentions.
So that was a roller coaster. I felt sick to my stomach that I made my friend uncomfortable. :'( But I know I am forgiven. I think a perhaps hidden plea, is that my friend wants me to stop seeing them as some superior being, and just see us as equals. Maybe it's a note for me to take myself more seriously too. (I did tell them that I think highly of myself as a writer, though, haha. But I'm more experienced with original fiction, and am newer to fanfiction writing.)
Yeah my friend is just a really good person. They are uncomfortable being elevated above other people. Wow many other people, maybe including me, would not have the humility to ask their fan friend to stop gushing about them, lol. I'd probably just bask in all that praise. XD
This resonates with me a lot. However, there is a twist to this. I noticed over a long period of time that it is not only that others don't come up to my expectations, I also sometimes myself do not come up to all the people who would expect from me. Catch here is that since life is a cycle and there are sometimes pits we fall into, we may not be able to act as expected. That may not always mean that I was not Tier 1 but at that particular time, it was not possible for me to act as Tier 1. Really enjoyed reading this. I can tell that you have put your soul in writing this. Cheers
Spot on Tariq. This process definitely makes us consider how we show up for others. I've realised I've not been as Tier 1 as I have liked so that's part of my strategy this year - connect and show up more for the people who matter. It's so easy to get caught up in other patterns but if we also don't learn and change, the issue persists. Appreciate your thoughtful response!
I've never been good at stopping people crash through my boundaries. With this post I intend to make new ones and defend those fences. I know I deserve at least that much. Both my kids have told their father and me that we were pushovers as parents. I know I was, but that was then. This is now. I can do it.
You can do it and you will do it Therese. The past doesn't have to dictate the future if we move forward with intention. Let's break those autopilots!