Resilience Is Relational - Pick Your People Wisely Or Pay The Price

Not all support is created equal - choose your boundaries to stay sane

Photo by Antoine Da cunha on Unsplash

We love to romanticise resilience as this lone-wolf, self-powered, boss-energy strength. The kind that says, “Push through on your own - you are a rock!”

But here’s the truth I’ve had to sit with this week:

Resilience isn’t just about how strong you are. It’s about whether the people around you hold you up or quietly let you fall.

And sometimes? We get it wrong about who’s actually there for us.

When support doesn’t show up: A personal reality check

This past week, I had two separate experiences that smacked me in the face with this realisation.

The First - the friend who didn’t let me in

I found out - through the grapevine - that a close mate had gone through a huge life change.

Not from them. From someone I hadn’t spoken to in over a year.

I was gutted and felt foolish.

They’d been quieter than usual, but I assumed it was family stuff. Turns out, they were struggling but chose not to let me in.

I pride myself on being a safe, open space for people. So why wasn’t I in their inner circle for this?

I felt sad for them and what they’re going through.

And, if I’m honest? Disappointed and p*ssed off for myself.

These two emotions coexisting? Uncomfortable as hell.

The Second - the serial flaker

A different friend flaked on plans again. The excuse? Work. As usual.

To be fair, it was a legit reason. They’re senior, busy and important.

And look, I’m not perfect here either. There’ve been times my own health and workload made me unreliable.

But after years of this same dynamic, the familiar feeling crept in:

Sad. Disappointed. Pissed off.

Double whammy.

I felt rejected twice-over.

And in both cases, I found myself asking the same sinking question:

Was I just wrong about these relationships?

Turns out, maybe. And there’s a psychological reason why.

Wishful perceiving: why we assume people are more supportive than they actually are

A recent study by Ginosar Yaari, S. et al. (2024) explores wishful perceiving - A values-based bias or blind spot that makes us assume people we care about see the world like we do - even when they don’t.

Because we want them to.

We assume people are more supportive, emotionally available, or reliable than they actually are - because we need them to be.

And when they fall short? It feels like betrayal.

Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve:

• Expected a friend to show up the way you would, only to be let down.

• Assumed you were a confidante, only to realise you weren’t in the loop.

• Stayed in a relationship, situationship, or friendship too long, believing the support was there, when it wasn’t.

The problem? This bias or blind spot makes us rely on the wrong people for the wrong things.

And when they disappoint us, we take it personally. If you’ve got shaky attachment or rejection sensitivity, it hits even harder.

We internalise it. We tell ourselves we weren’t good enough, or we should’ve known better. Silly us, in this situation again.

Then we turn to unhelpful coping patterns to feel better - Busy Bee, Marching Soldier, Comfort-Seeker, Overthinker etc.

Which only makes things worse.

So, how do we fix it?

By getting brutally honest about who’s actually there for us, and who isn’t.

The Support Map: who’s solid and who’s flaky?

Most of us don’t regularly assess our support system. We assume people will be there when we need them.

But will they?

It’s time for a reality check.

This might seem harsh (ranking people? Oof.), but radical honesty is what stops us from pouring energy into the wrong places.

Because if you’re relying on the wrong people, you’re setting yourself up for stress and disappointment.

If people aren't there for you, it's OK to set them free.

Ranking your support system - the five tiers of support

After looking at my own history (and the research), here’s how I’m mapping my support system to create The Support Map:

Tier 1: Solid as a Rock (Reliable, present, emotionally safe)

• Shows up when it matters, no questions asked.

• Supports without judgment or making it about them.

• You leave interactions feeling better, not worse.

• Your “one call from the police station” person.

Tier 2: Mostly There, But… (Supportive, but inconsistent or with limits)

• Wants to help but isn’t always available.

• Sometimes centres their own issues when you need support.

• Good for lighter issues, but not deep emotional reliance.

• Might not notice when you need them unless you ask directly.

Tier 3: Surface-Level Socials (Fun, but not emotionally dependable)

• Great for laughs, distractions, or casual chats.

• Wouldn’t be the first person you’d call in a crisis.

• Offers surface support or sympathy (“That sucks!”) but not real action or support.

• You wish it was a deeper connection, but it never quite gets there.

Tier 4: The Emotional Dropouts (Unreliable or draining)

• Says they care, but disappears when things get real.

• Might dismiss your feelings (“You’re overthinking or being defensive”).

• Often takes more than they give.

• You might be stuck in this pattern due to old patterns (e.g. unhealthy familiarity).

Tier 5: Burnout Builders (Toxic, dismissive, or harmful - the energy vampires)

• Make you feel worse, not better, after interactions.

• Gaslight, guilt-trip, or demand emotional labour from you.

• Reinforce stress, insecurity, or exhaustion.

• Might love-bomb at first, then make excuses for being unavailable.

How to create your own Support Map

1. Grab your notebook or digital device

2. Draw or create a table with these Tier headings

3. List the people in your life under each category - without wishful perceiving.

4. Ask yourself:

   1. Who actually belongs in Tier 1?

   2. Who have I treated like a Tier 1, but really belongs in Tier 4?

   3. Where am I wasting energy that would be better spent elsewhere?

It might sting. But it’s the only way to stop expecting support from people who can’t give it.

Remember:

• This is what determines whether your resilience is strengthened or eroded by the people around you.

• Try not to give way to excuses or do yourself down.

• You deserve love, respect and support just like we all do.

• If you get a knot in your stomach, a pang of disappointment, an ache in your heart, lean into that.

This might seem like a cognitive activity - and it is - but it’s also vital emotional work to stop wasting time, energy and resources in the wrong places.

How to shift your support system for real resilience

So, you’ve created your Support Map. Now what?

1. Adjust expectations without resentment

   1. Not everyone has to be a Tier 1 friend. Some people are great for fun but not for deep support. That’s fine - just don’t rely on them emotionally.

   2. Stop expecting consistency from inconsistent people. If someone has shown you who they are, believe them.

2. Invest more in the people who show up

   1. If someone is solid, nurture that connection.

   2. It might not feel “exciting” at first, but that’s unhealthy patterns talking. Stability is underrated.

3. Rebuild trust in support - slowly and on reasonable terms

   1. If you’ve been let down too many times, it’s easy to think “I can’t trust anyone.” But resilience isn’t built in isolation.

   2. Start small: Let the right people in, little by little. Give them chances to prove they’re solid.

   3. If it’s someone who let you down but is still a keeper, self-protection is OK. Pace yourself as you rebuild trust.

4. Walk away from the energy drains and vampires

   1. If someone consistently makes you feel worse, consider distancing or disengaging.

   2. I find this one tough at times, but it’s what keeps us stuck in constant frustration. Accept life is too short for that.

   3. Resilience isn’t just about pushing through - sometimes, it’s about choosing not to push for people who don’t deserve it.

Applying The Support Map: hard calls and clear decisions

So, what am I going to do about my tricky friendship situations?

For The First, I bit the bullet and called them.

Was it awkward? Yes. Did I feel passive-aggressive? Also yes. But I kept it balanced (I think!).

They apologised for shutting me out, and it feels like we’re at least rebuilding toward a more aligned understanding. Let’s see how it plays out.

For The Second, there’s been radio silence from both sides. And with my 2025 no-more-taking-cr*p attitude, I finally see it for what it is:

I've never been a priority in this friendship - at least not for a long time. And I’ve been excusing that for years.

Even with empathy for their situation, the pattern won’t change. If I’m always the afterthought, why keep showing up?

So, I’ll go quiet. And if they reach out, I’ll explain why.

Not everyone belongs in Tier 1 or 2 - and that’s OK.

But clinging to people in the wrong tier? That’s a one-way ticket to frustration.

Sometimes, protecting your peace is the real power move.

Key takeaways

We assume the people we care about will show up for us the way we’d show up for them. But that’s not always the case.

Wishful perceiving makes us overestimate support, keeping us stuck in friendships and dynamics that drain more than they give.

The reality? Not everyone deserves a front-row seat in your life.

If you keep getting let down, it’s time for a reality check.

Map your Support System honestly - who’s solid, who’s inconsistent, and who’s taking up space without giving anything back?

Resilience isn’t about doing it all alone.

It’s about choosing the right people to endure with.

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P.S. Ready to reset and build real resilience? Join me for the Quarterly Face It To Make It Live Action Board Masterclass on March 14th at 9-10pm GMT (local time zone). Through creativity coaching, you’ll visualise a clear goal and the actions to get there. Register now and make it happen.