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Sieran Lane's avatar

Sabrina, I had a REALLY good conversation with my friend today (my current crush, lol.) But before we get to that, wow, I've stopped believing that Tier 1 people exist. Not because people are bad to me, but because everyone's always busy (I blame capitalism.)

The fact that most of my friends are in a different country doesn't help. My family live on the other side of the planet too. Maybe I'm a bit lonely sometimes. I live alone and don't see anyone in person other than my clients, doctor, and physiotherapist! It's partly because of my lack of effort in reaching out to people in person since the pandemic. (Or just laziness.) I always respond when people reach out, though.

Even if someone lives with us, like a partner, I hate the idea that someone is always obligated to show up for you. So I actively resisted that idea, not wanting to infringe on anybody's freedom. But I realize now that I may be going to the opposite extreme, and neglecting my needs for the sake of "respecting other people's freedom."

Sorry this is a long comment, but I really wanted to share this with you:

So my crush friend had this quirk where occasionally, they would ignore a message from me. They said that they just get distracted and forget to respond sometimes. For months, I believed this. And I did get their permission to remind them of missed messages.

But lately, they ignored this longish heartfelt message. (Though they replied to my shorter messages.) Sigh I felt pissed off for the past few days over this. Normally, I could get a response by apologizing for what I believed was the problem, e.g. if my question was too personal, controversial, offensive, etc. But this message was so benign and even uplifting. So I felt like I just had to deal with it.

I read up tips on how to self-soothe for people with anxious attachment style. But they only talked about romantic partners. I long believed that I'm not allowed to ask for things, because I'm "just" a friend, not a romantic partner. But this morning, I realized I AM allowed to ask. I'm not comfortable expressing anger (since I know I get defensive when someone tells me they were upset with me.) So instead, I like to talk directly about the problem and request a solution, which typically works for me.

So with my crush friend, I reminded them today of the message they hadn't replied to. Well, they said they didn't have anything to add to my comment, but they were glad that things were working well for me.

Then I asked my friend if it would help for me to write more concisely. Since I have the bad habit of writing my stream of consciousness, rather than editing and cutting down my long comments. They replied that they don't mind the long responses, as long as they're not expected to match in length for the sake of "balance." Since it takes a lot of effort and they may just procrastinate on responding.

Ah I told them that I figured that might have been the issue. Since I realize that I felt obligated to write long comments on friends' stories. Even though my friends would probably appreciate short comments too, no need for long ones. Anyway, I told my friend that I know they're very busy. I'd be happy to hear just a short response to my long comment, or even just an emoji react, which takes a second. It would help a lot to reassure me that they weren't offended by what I said, and that everything is still cool between us.

My friend agreed that they could do that. And they said honestly that would make it much easier for them.

LOL so you see what happened there? My friend and I had mismatched relationship expectations. (Unrelated to my crush thing.) My friend believes in fairness and reciprocation. So they assumed that when I write them a long message, that I expect them to give the same energy (same length) back. But in reality, I don't expect exact reciprocation at all! I understand that they have a full time job and a very active social life. I have only a part time job and no (in person) social life. So of course I have more time to write long essays than they do.

My expectation/ hope was for the other person to at least acknowledge my messages. Even if it's just a short reply or an emoji react. So that I don't have to worry that I made them angry or uncomfortable. My friend was understanding and didn't mock me for being "sensitive" or "anxious" or "paranoid." So that's good!

I know my friend cared a lot about balance, so not an uneven give and take. So they unconsciously assumed that I want the same thing from them. (Long messages all the time.) But lol, I actually believed that due to the two people's different circumstances and skillsets, there is no equally balanced friendship. We just figure out something that works well for our needs. Doesn't have to be perfect but at least something we're okay with. They desire to save more time, which I'm very happy to give to them. I desire acknowledgement, no matter how small, and they are happy to give that to me.

Sorry for that mega essay, but I really wanted to share that. And it's relevant to your lovely article too, haha. Yeah sometimes we set ourselves up for failure, because two people have different expectations and hidden assumptions. If we're able to communicate our needs, assumptions, expectations, etc., we may come up with a solution that is mutually satisfying. And both parties feel respected. (So my friend doesn't feel forced to do more work than they can. And I don't feel forced to sit with so much silence and suspense.)

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Tariq's avatar

This resonates with me a lot. However, there is a twist to this. I noticed over a long period of time that it is not only that others don't come up to my expectations, I also sometimes myself do not come up to all the people who would expect from me. Catch here is that since life is a cycle and there are sometimes pits we fall into, we may not be able to act as expected. That may not always mean that I was not Tier 1 but at that particular time, it was not possible for me to act as Tier 1. Really enjoyed reading this. I can tell that you have put your soul in writing this. Cheers

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