This one hits hard. Thank you for spelling this out so clearly. It really is an identity crisis. Productivity and striving have dominated most of my life. From the biggest things to the littlest things, like making a meal or packing a bag - everything is a task to be conquered - if only I could tick them all off I would be fine - but alas!
The article perfectly captures the high achiever's dilemma: We tie our self-worth to our accomplishments, leaving us feeling lost and adrift when we're not constantly achieving. It's a never-ending cycle of striving and proving, and as you've pointed out, it's ultimately unsustainable. It's a trap that's hard to escape, especially when society reinforces the message that our worth is measured by our productivity. It's a powerful reminder that we need to find our value outside of our achievements and learn to be kind to ourselves, even when we're not 'performing.'
Ahh yeah not needing external validation sounds like such a myth! Being seen as good and worth of love, just for existing, feels unbelievable. For me, while I still care about achievements, I now measure myself on social/interpersonal skills too, and how much I make others feel good, or how much I can take away their pain. I know that's still people pleasing and external, though.
Did I tell you I confessed to my crush lately? Alas, they said no, but they did consider it at first. Their reason was that they don't think they can handle a long distance relationship, since we live in different countries. My crush reassured me that it's not because they don't like me, though, and said that they think I'm quite great. And that it means a lot to them that I asked them.
Well anyway, our friendship is still intact, thankfully. At least I got a strong sense that my crush loves and cares about me, not in "that way," but still. I believe they do think highly of me as a person, too. So when they said they were flattered, and that it means a lot to them, I think they meant it sincerely. They weren't just being nice.
Anyway I had to do a lot of mental gymnastics just to get to this point. It's still external validation, yes. But if my crush still cares about me, even with all this trouble I put on them, I guess there must be SOMETHING good and worth fighting for in me, right?
It's really hard. You know, I think most low self-esteem people at least feel confident that they are a good person. But I don't even have that. :'( My mom brainwashed me for years that I was a cold and selfish bad person. At least now I don't think I'm a bad person. But I don't know if I'm a good person. So I just say I'm an average person, which I can at least accept.
Wow Sieran, thanks for sharing and well done for putting yourself out there. It's not an easy risk to take and I'm so glad your friendship continues.
It's a great example to challenge the years of crappy messaging you've had from your mum. I'm sorry you had to experience that. You absolutely have something within you worth fighting for so keep reframing those messages from other people that got into your autopilot mind.
Anything that helps self-acceptance is a healing step. Keep going with that!
Thank you, Sabrina! My eyes watered when you said "You absolutely have something within you worth fighting for." 😭
put it on a piece of paper and on your desk or fridge Sieran!!
This one hits hard. Thank you for spelling this out so clearly. It really is an identity crisis. Productivity and striving have dominated most of my life. From the biggest things to the littlest things, like making a meal or packing a bag - everything is a task to be conquered - if only I could tick them all off I would be fine - but alas!
Thanks for your thoughts Sara. We all get caught up in the getting better at doing more story. Especially in modern life.
So important to pause and check why we're doing what we're doing.
How about a to-don't list? All the things you won't do and you still get to check it off. A kind of sneaky unachievement win!
I love the idea of the to don’t list! I think I saw a Substack about this idea recently. Must find it.
Yeah it's a fun spin on things. Give yourself permission of what not to do!
The article perfectly captures the high achiever's dilemma: We tie our self-worth to our accomplishments, leaving us feeling lost and adrift when we're not constantly achieving. It's a never-ending cycle of striving and proving, and as you've pointed out, it's ultimately unsustainable. It's a trap that's hard to escape, especially when society reinforces the message that our worth is measured by our productivity. It's a powerful reminder that we need to find our value outside of our achievements and learn to be kind to ourselves, even when we're not 'performing.'
This is such a tricky dilemma. We keep cycling between trying to feel OK as is but the whispers come back to push us into doing.
Being aware of what's driving those urges helps. What works for you in this space?
Ahh yeah not needing external validation sounds like such a myth! Being seen as good and worth of love, just for existing, feels unbelievable. For me, while I still care about achievements, I now measure myself on social/interpersonal skills too, and how much I make others feel good, or how much I can take away their pain. I know that's still people pleasing and external, though.
Did I tell you I confessed to my crush lately? Alas, they said no, but they did consider it at first. Their reason was that they don't think they can handle a long distance relationship, since we live in different countries. My crush reassured me that it's not because they don't like me, though, and said that they think I'm quite great. And that it means a lot to them that I asked them.
Well anyway, our friendship is still intact, thankfully. At least I got a strong sense that my crush loves and cares about me, not in "that way," but still. I believe they do think highly of me as a person, too. So when they said they were flattered, and that it means a lot to them, I think they meant it sincerely. They weren't just being nice.
Anyway I had to do a lot of mental gymnastics just to get to this point. It's still external validation, yes. But if my crush still cares about me, even with all this trouble I put on them, I guess there must be SOMETHING good and worth fighting for in me, right?
It's really hard. You know, I think most low self-esteem people at least feel confident that they are a good person. But I don't even have that. :'( My mom brainwashed me for years that I was a cold and selfish bad person. At least now I don't think I'm a bad person. But I don't know if I'm a good person. So I just say I'm an average person, which I can at least accept.
Wow Sieran, thanks for sharing and well done for putting yourself out there. It's not an easy risk to take and I'm so glad your friendship continues.
It's a great example to challenge the years of crappy messaging you've had from your mum. I'm sorry you had to experience that. You absolutely have something within you worth fighting for so keep reframing those messages from other people that got into your autopilot mind.
Anything that helps self-acceptance is a healing step. Keep going with that!
Fantastic post, Sabrina. I've re-stacked it.
Thanks so much Wendy! Appreciate your support and hope it helped 💜