The Real Reason You’re Tired All the Time (PS: It’s Not Just Your Workload)

Unresolved losses or unmet needs quietly fuel your exhaustion and burnout.

Photo by Nick Karvounis on Unsplash

You think you’re tired because you’re doing too much. So, you rest, you take things off your plate…but nothing changes.

Weird, right?

That’s because what’s draining you isn’t always about how much you’re doing - it’s what’s missing or gone.

Sure, exhaustion and fatigue have physical causes. We run ourselves into the ground, skip rest, eat junk, and barely move, so of course we’re knackered.

But, if you know anything about the brain, you’ll know physical energy isn’t the only thing burning through your reserves.

The hidden drivers of stress - like unmet needs and unresolved losses - quietly use up this precious mental and physical energy leaving us even more drained.

You might not notice it at first, but over time, it adds up.

Stop pouring your time and hope into surface-level fixes.

Dig deeper to stop spinning your wheels and make progress where it really counts.

Hidden losses will quietly drain you

According to the Conservation of Resources (COR) Theory (Hobfoll, 1989), burnout happens when key resources, like time, energy, or support, are lost or threatened and we feel unable to gain critical resources for coping with stress.

Sure, you grind through work for a while, but when life starts chipping away at what restores and sustains you, deeper exhaustion sets in.

The problem? Most of us don’t recognise these losses because they’re emotional, invisible, or brushed off as “just part of life.”

We notice the workload and external pressures, but the internal depletion, the quiet drain, often goes unnoticed.

Think about it a different way: You lose stability when life throws random curveballs. You lose belonging when relationships drift. You lose meaning when work becomes routine and uninspiring.

Over time, these small but cumulative losses add up, leaving you feeling drained, detached, and sometimes hopeless.

I’ve identified 8 primary types of loss quietly driving burnout and stress:

1. Loss of Stability:

   Whether it’s financial uncertainty, health changes, or shifting life circumstances, losing stability feels like walking on shifting sand. This uncertainty drives stress and anxiety especially when there’s no clear solution. I’ve seen this in clients and myself, how the loss of solid ground makes even basic decisions harder.

2. Loss of Belonging:

   Burnout clients often tell me they feel isolated, even when surrounded by people. That loss of connection, whether it’s drifting from friends, being excluded, or feeling out of place, creates a quiet but significant emotional loneliness. And since we’re wired for connection, that loneliness takes a toll.

3. Loss of Identity:

   I felt this one deeply after losing my dad. Life shifted, work projects ended, and suddenly, I wasn’t sure who I was anymore. I felt untethered, drifting without a clear sense of direction. Whether it’s tied to grief, career changes, or personal transitions, losing your sense of identity leaves you feeling lost an unsure of your next step.

4. Loss of Meaning:

   I’ve worked with business owners who, after years of grinding, woke up wondering, Why am I doing this? The thing they once loved felt hollow. When the thing that used to light you up stops feeling meaningful, it’s not about more motivation or productivity, it’s about finding a new ‘why.’ Letting go of what no longer serves you is key to rediscovering purpose.

5. Loss of Certainty:

   After major life changes, I know how hard it is to move forward when everything feels uncertain. Certainty acts like an anchor - it grounds you. When it’s gone, your brain struggles to allocate resources efficiently, leaving you feeling adrift. Anxiety fills the space where confidence once lived.

6. Loss of Trust:

   Losing trust, whether in people, systems, or even yourself, creates a constant low-level threat response. You become hypervigilant, questioning everything. I’ve seen clients get stuck in this loop, unable to move forward because they’re too busy second-guessing their instincts.

7. Loss of Dreams/Goals:

   There’s a unique grief that comes with letting go of a dream. Whether it’s a career plan that didn’t pan out or a personal ambition derailed by circumstances, acknowledging that loss is essential. Without it, you can’t begin to rebuild or redefine who you are in the context of your new reality.

8. Loss of a Loved One:

   When my dad passed, it wasn’t just him I lost. It was the future moments he was supposed to be part of, the milestones that felt emptier without him, and the family dynamics that changed forever. Grief isn’t just about absence. It’s about what someone represented in your life and what’s left behind in their absence.

Unprocessed loss is like an open tab or app running in the background - it quietly drains your energy without you realising it.

Grief is a learning process and an energetic one. Sometimes, we need to be intentional about managing it.

Understanding what you’ve lost is the first step to getting unstuck. During my art-based coaching sessions, I ask clients ‘what’s missing?’ in their image.

Flipping the perspective helps them uncover unconscious losses or overlooked aspects of their life.

Whether it’s a lost dream, a sense of control, or support you thought you once relied on, recognising these hidden losses helps you stop blaming yourself for feeling tired.

It’s not just about doing less, but refocusing on what truly matters.

Why losses keep you stuck (and why surface-level fixes don’t work)

Biological restoration - getting enough sleep, eating well, and moving your body and so on - is essential for recovery. But it’s not the whole solution.

If you’ve ever taken a break and still felt exhausted when you returned, you know it’s not that simple.

That lingering, heavy fatigue? It often comes from carrying unresolved emotional weight, especially from losses you haven’t recognised or processed.

Here’s why:

(1) You’re stuck in emotional limbo

After my dad passed, I tried pushing through by staying busy, until I hit a wall and completely dropped out of life.

The thing about unresolved loss is, it doesn’t just go away. It quietly drains your energy, even when you’re doing nothing.

Psychologists Stroebe and Schut’s Dual Process Model of Grief (1999) explains that we oscillate between confronting loss and trying to restore normalcy after loss.

When you stay stuck too long in the loss phase without meaningful forward movement, even attempts at restoration feel like you’re running in circles.

You’re tired because unresolved grief creates an internal tug-of-war, quietly wearing you down while you try to function in daily life.

(2) You’re carrying invisible stress:

I’ve worked with clients who seemed fine outwardly but felt drained all the time because they were suppressing their emotions.

According to Emotional Labour Theory (Hochschild, 1983), constantly managing or hiding emotions, especially in professional or caregiving roles, creates an invisible layer of stress.

Holding it all in might look like strength, but it’s actually energy-intensive, burning through your reserves without you realising it.

Many of us feel we need to “keep it together” to stay functional, but eventually, we collapse in private because carrying that invisible weight takes a toll.

The disconnect between your external calm and internal chaos leaves your brain spinning, adding even more exhaustion.

(3) You’re bleeding energy from small, repeated losses:

Burnout isn’t always about one big thing - it’s more like death by a thousand cuts.

COR Theory (Hobfoll, 1989) suggests burnout builds from a slow, steady drain of resources caused by small, repeated losses over time.

It could be the job that feels pointless, the connection you’ve lost, or the uncertainty that lingers as life changes. These small hits quietly pile up, leaving you tired without an obvious explanation.

Meanwhile, your brain runs endless alternative scenarios in the background, adding to your mental load and deepening your fatigue.

Surface-level fixes don’t get to the root of what’s draining you. This is why rest alone often doesn’t solve the problem. You need some form of mental and emotional processing too.

You’re tired because you carry unresolved emotional weight - things you need to acknowledge, not ignore.

When you stop blaming yourself for feeling tired and start recognising what’s missing, you give yourself permission to heal.

Only then can you take meaningful, practical steps to address the real issue and restore your energy.

Why it’s so hard to see the real problem

Most of us don’t realise what’s draining us because we rely on unhelpful burnout patterns.

At first, these patterns feel like effective coping strategies to manage stress and keep going.

But when we stick with them too long, they mask the real issues and leave us tackling surface-level distractions whilst ignoring the giant elephant tap-dancing in the corner.

Here are some ways these patterns show up:

• The Busy Bee: Constant busyness becomes a way to avoid deeper feelings. Stress and endless tasks keep your mind occupied, making it easier to ignore the emotional weight lurking beneath the surface.

• The Marching Soldier: You push through life on autopilot, refusing to slow down or reflect. Vulnerability isn’t seen as a strength but as something to be avoided at all costs. It leaves you stuck in a cycle of relentless forward motion without real recovery.

• The Comfort-Seeker: Naming losses and unmet needs is difficult, so you opt for easier, more immediate comfort - whether that’s zoning out with Netflix or eating your emotions. It works temporarily but doesn’t address the root cause.

My latest experience with overextension burnout was a classic case of Busy Bee meets Marching Soldier. I genuinely thought I was tired simply because I was doing too much, which wasn’t entirely wrong.

But those patterns distracted me from acknowledging something deeper: lingering grief on the third anniversary of my dad’s death, and the quiet sadness about how distant I felt from my family.

The busyness and autopilot mode were easier to handle than facing those emotions head-on.

We often choose the lesser pain because it feels more manageable. than the intense one.

But real progress only comes when we stop avoiding the deeper hurt and start confronting what’s actually draining us.

Your first step to reclaim your energy

Remember, you don’t have to fix everything at once. Doing this will only add to your mental load and, frankly, p*ss you off.

But if you want to get unstuck and reclaim your energy, you should explore and understand what’s really draining you.

Here are some actionable steps to get started:

1. If you’re stuck in emotional limbo: name what’s unresolved.

   1. Ask yourself: “What’s something I haven’t processed yet?”

   2. It might be a big event or a smaller one you brushed off but still feel.

   3. Once you name it, take a tiny action: write about it, speak it out loud, or create a ritual to acknowledge it. Writing this newsletter has helped me countless times.

   4. This isn’t about fixing the loss but stopping it from quietly draining you.

2. If you’re carrying invisible stress: let something out.

   1. Suppressing emotions might help you function temporarily, but it quietly burns energy in the background.

   2. Try free writing or art-journalling what you’re feeling - raw and unfiltered. Or record a voice note (or rant) just for you.

   3. If writing or art isn’t your thing, find a trusted person and vent without a filter.

   4. Releasing emotions doesn’t mean you’re weak. It frees up energy stuck in your mind, brain and body.

3. If you’re bleeding energy from small, repeated losses: notice what’s gone.

   1. Ask yourself: “What have I lost recently that I didn’t fully acknowledge?”

   2. It could be something obvious, like a strained relationship or sh*tty work project, or something subtle, like losing motivation or confidence.

   3. Once you name it, take one small action to stop the drain: reach out to someone, set a boundary, celebrate small wins, or allow yourself to grieve that loss.

   4. Small actions start to restore energy by cutting off the hidden leaks.

Your goal here isn’t to solve everything (quit being a Perfectionist!).

It’s to recognise the underlying driver so you take tiny, intentional steps to halt exhaustion and reclaim your energy.

Key takeaways

Feeling tired all the time isn’t just about doing too much, but about what’s quietly draining you in the background.

It’s the unresolved stuff you haven’t had space to process, slowly burning through your mental and physical energy.

This hidden drain pushes you toward coping strategies and burnout patterns seemingly helpful in the moment but making things worse.

You push through, avoid, or distract yourself while the root problem quietly sucks the life out of you.

The sooner you recognise the hidden drivers, the sooner you stop spinning your wheels and focus your energy on what matters.

Experiment with these to get unstuck from these losses:

1. Name what’s unresolved - If you’re going in circles, it’s probably because you haven’t had time to restore what’s missing in your life.

2. Let something out - holding it together and suppressing emotions might look like strength, but it costs you more energy than you realise.

3. Notice what’s gone - burnout rarely comes from one big thing but from those small, repeated losses built up over time.

This week, take five minutes to reflect: What’s draining you, and what one small step can you take to feel more restored or in control?

The re-energised you starts here.

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P.S. Curious about how exhaustion impacts your burnout risk? Take my Burnout Risk Quiz to discover your burnout risk level and simple recovery tips to apply today.