We All Know That Complainer At Work, But What If It's You?

Why good people become energy vampires, and the 3-step method to break free.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

I worked with a guy we all wanted to avoid.

It wasn't always like that but developed over time.

He became an energy vampire and Debbie Downer, so almost every interaction left you drained.

We hated joining calls, asking him questions, or getting his opinion as we knew it'd be a drag.

I'm sure you've known people like that.

They sigh and start grumbling about the work, the company, the plan, the coffee!

It doesn't feel constructive but painful and a real slog instead.

The bit no one likes to admit though? Sometimes we become that guy?

After the shock, shame, or maybe embarrassment, reality hits.

Maybe you feel worse when you figure you're bringing down the vibe.

I've been there and it's a lonely and frustrating place.

But it's not a personality trait or moral failing, because becoming cynical and The Complainer is a little-known burnout red flag.

Here's what's going on and how to pull yourself out.

And then, everything turns to grey. Even when you speak, no one seems to listen

I usually start new things with enthusiasm.

This time it'll be different. I'll learn the lessons and handle things better this time.

When it doesn't go to plan though or I lose trust, I've ended up in The Complainer burnout pattern.

Colour drains out of life, it all seems pointless, and my contributions become about how useless taking action is.

I've recognised over the years this is my burnout red flag because it's not a natural state for me.

And it lines up with one of the key burnout symptoms - cynicism and detachment.

That's why I knew the guy at work wasn't just being difficult for difficult's sake.

He'd been on some tough projects, working long hours, and disrespected by colleagues and management who should’ve known better.

He was in burnout.

Even though I highlighted this to his manager, nothing changed. It was painful to watch.

Sure he was annoying and hard to be around, you could see the threads of his frustration.

Not feeling heard. Not being treated like others. And not being given the support needed to succeed.

So when most of us work in unhealthy environments that compound crapness, or get into unhealthy coping patterns we must take control to make improvements.

It might mean facing tough realities:

• Maybe it's not the right place or industry for you.

• Perhaps you job craft so you work to your strengths and not against them.

• Consider where to delegate or ask for help because you're drowning.

• Get help to build new habits and recovery strategies.

But if these are a hard pill to swallow, you're destined to stay stuck in this awful, messy state unless something forces change for you.

Why do you complain when it gets you nowhere?

Because in the moment it feels like sweet relief.

We vent to let others know our frustration and express our pain.

To feel like we're not the only ones, and convince ourselves we're showing them the light.

We've been there, done that, and we're helping them avoid mistakes from the past.

But this masks the true story. What feels like relief at first reinforces the negative.

When we complain, we remind ourselves of how bad things are, making us feel powerless and without the ability or agency to change.

Our natural negativity bias only notices evidence for the bad stuff and we feel flat and more detached.

Even neutral or ambiguous events are filtered with a darker lens. Through predictive coding, the brain’s prediction/error system expects things going wrong, and then sees them everywhere.

When support, fairness, and connection vanish, these fleeting detached and cynical thoughts become the norm and our reality.

Research shows repetitive negative thinking, including complaint loops, makes burnout worse and chips away at confidence.

And cynicism predicts more tiredness, fatigue, and slower recovery.

So The Complainer mode doesn’t just waste energy but stops you from restoring it, or even trying to.

Again none of this happens in isolation or without cause. The hidden losses beneath The Complainer mode include:

• The Loss of Belonging: people step back when they feel dragged down, isolating you further from connection. Misery doesn't always love company.

• The Loss of Trust: after too many disappointments, it’s hard to believe things will change for the better.

• The Loss of Meaning or Purpose: once our impact feels lost, work starts to feel empty and without value.

A habit that starts as release inadvertently becomes a trap of our own making, casting a shadow over everything.

The Complainer isn’t who you are but a response

It's a pattern. A coping strategy to manage stress, discomfort, lack of structure or support.

It keeps disappointment at bay because losing hope day after day can feel unbearable.

It feels useful because you're doing something but it's ultimately not constructive.

The less attached you become to your unhelpful behaviours and realise they're a response, the easier it is to step back and create space.

It's not you at your core and that's important to remember when you're in burnout, because it feels so personal and deep. Self-judgement takes over to block our recovery.

In crisis mode, we feel helpless, overwhelmed, and with nowhere to turn.

But this is another story and one that’s infused with fiction to make sense of what we notice. It feels real, but it isn’t the full picture.

Like all the burnout patterns, they appear when things aren't working. And they can all be undone with focus, intention, and effort.

Do this: Release yourself ARC loop

To break The Complainer mode, it helps to get out of your head and thoughts.

I use creative and art-based coaching to help uncover deeper blockers or challenges.

The things we can't admit openly or put into words but keep us stuck.

When you draw an issue as a character, creature, or shape, it's externalised so you get a new perspective.

A frameshift and space for change.

No one else needs to see it as it's about getting out of your head and onto the page. It’s personal insight and challenges what you’re paying attention to.

Here's a visual metaphor exercise to try:

Awareness:

Notice the Complainer.

1. Grab some paper and mark-making tools like pen, pencil, crayons etc and sit in a quiet space for a few minutes.

2. Reflect on the Complainer feeling or thoughts and draw it as a character, creature, or shape.

3. Don’t worry about making it pretty but express whatever comes to mind. Don't censor or judge, just draw.

The aim is to get the frustration, sadness or anything else out of your head and into a form you can see, explore, and move around.

Reconnection:

Connect to what you see.

1. Look at what you’ve drawn and ask:

   1. What shapes, colours, textures, gaps etc are there?

   2. Where am I in this image?

   3. What’s missing here?

2. Reflect on what might be there and what is lost. Maybe it’s recognition, fairness, purpose, or a sense of belonging.

3. Don't hold back if you want to add more or update your image. Add a colour, symbol, or mark that shows the need hiding under the complaints or whatever needs representing.

Sit with any discomfort or emotions that show up. Seeing what's beneath the surface can be tricky or intense so let it flow.

Containment:

Shift the image.

1. Pick an action that'll change the Complainer habit and addresses one of the hidden losses. Keep it small and manageable.

2. This might be not complaining at the start of a call, or shooting down suggestions from others. It could be reaching out to someone for help or a chat.

3. Notice how you, and others, feel when you don't give into the habit or urge to complain.

4. And don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t land, as we all get clunky with these experiments and tests.

If you still can't shift the feeling of frustration, create another image so it's externalised and not inside.

Every time you break the loop, and notice a helpful impact or insight, you get new evidence to shift the negativity bias.

This week's permission slip

You don't have to slap a fake smile or force gratitude onto everything if it's not true when things are crap.

But being stuck in Complainer mode isn't helping you either. Remember it's not a character flaw but a response to your situation and hidden losses.

You're allowed to notice the complaints as information and not identity.

Here's an extract for The Complainer from The Guest House by Rumi:

Try to accept the changing seasons of your heart,
even the barren winter.
For who knows what spring may follow?

Rumi

Complaining and being cynical might feel helpful but be true to yourself and resist its allure, or it’ll grind you down slowly.

Key takeaways

Complaining feels like a release, but drains your energy, pushes people away, and disconnects you from purpose.

The Complainer mode grows out of hidden losses, like belonging, meaning, and trust, and cynicism steps in to protect you.

But once it takes hold, it blocks your recovery and keeps you stuck.

This doesn’t mean you’re destined to stay there. It means there’s something underneath worth listening to.

Catch the pattern, notice the need, and take one small step to restore your agency.

It'll serve you better in the long run than a satisfying but short-lived rant.

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P.S. When you've been complaining too much, what brings you back to a more positive or constructive place?