When Grief And Burnout Collide: Navigate Loss Without Losing Yourself

Grief hijacks your life but here's how to stay connected to yourself and others

Cemetery where my dad is laid to rest by Author (Sabrina Ahmed)

I drove home in the rain, tears streaming down my face, and missed my exit.

A song had triggered a wave of grief for my dad, who passed away three years ago this week.

Who knew Rhianna would set me off? (‘Stay,’ if you’re wondering.) I’d heard it earlier that day, but the emotional flood hit hours later, catching me completely off guard.

Grief is sneaky like that. Sometimes it’s an immediate gut punch but other times, it’s a slow cascade, building until you’re a blubbing mess with a pop song on repeat.

This anniversary, I thought I’d moved past the worst of it - gah, not again! But grief has a way of reminding us it’s not done with us yet.

Reflecting on that moment in the car, I realised how much both I and my life have changed since dad died. This was driving my grief and sadness.

My default grief-coping strategy has always been to get busy and stay busy, shutting out the pain. Classic Busy Bee and Marching Soldier burnout patterns.

But this year, the song brought something else to light: grief isn’t just emotional. It reshapes your brain, body, and energy, leaving you vulnerable to stress and how you engage with the world.

Understanding how grief impacts you isn’t just helpful - it’s essential. Let’s explore why grief is so exhausting, how it affects your energy and stress, and what you can do to recover and stay connected.

The impact of grief on daily life

In those early grief-stricken days, my daily routines were a mess. Dad and I used to text and chat almost daily.

Losing that routine was especially jarring. Every night around our usual 8pm chat time, something was missing. Like running up to the edge of a river bank but never jumping in - an invisible forcefield held me back.

I expected to talk to the doctors about his treatment too. That wasn't needed anymore, which felt weird. I was numb, confused and devastated. And so, so tired.

I kept texting him for a while after he died. About the cats, things I'd seen in the garden. Random anecdotes. Animal YouTube videos.

I knew I wouldn't get a reply but it was hard to stop the habit. He still seemed to be there.

It made no sense that he wasn't, even after I'd seen his body at the hospital and seen him buried.

This is the paradox of grief - your rational brain knows someone no longer exists on this physical dimension. But they aren’t physically there so where are they?

It was disorientating and around the same time, my day job and coaching project ended. Loss compounded loss and I dropped out of life for a while.

Full-on avoidance mode - bingeing box sets, movies and live online court trials.

I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I didn't want to connect to anything else.

Fearful of further loss. Isolation was a comfort.

My brain was working overtime to rewire decades of reality. No wonder it was tired, and struggled to find space for anything else.

The neuroscience of grief and why it's so confusing

Grief researcher Mary-Frances O'Connor explores the neuroscience of grief in her book The Grieving Brain.

One of her most fascinating insights is how the brain’s “place cells” explain why grief feels so disorienting. These cells, nestled in the hippocampus, create mental maps that connect environments to relationships, memories, and routines.

They store where our loved ones are in space and time, in addition to the posterior cingulate cortex, which encode how emotionally close we feel to them (“closeness”).

Predictive coding theory adds another layer. It’s how the brain anticipates what should happen based on repetition and probability i.e. over enough time, actions become autopilot habits using less effort/energy.

When a loved one is no longer where and when we expect them to be, this creates a “prediction error” the brain must reconcile. It’s not just about their physical absence but also the emotional closeness we still feel.

The brain struggles to reconcile how someone so central to our sense of self and our world is simply no longer there. They feel so alive in our minds that the rational knowledge they’ve gone doesn’t make sense.

It might be dad’s favourite chair sitting empty, or an 8pm phone call in my sitting room that never comes. That instant when reality didn’t match my expectations - it was like the ground shifted beneath me every time.

It’s a disconnection I’ve felt in countless little moments since (like a pop song reminding you of what’s missing). Your brain has to rebuild its map of space, time, and closeness and adapt to this new reality.

This process is cognitively and emotionally expensive and needs numerous repetitions to undo the existing predictions accumulated over time.

Grief is a relearning how to live process.

The brain’s cognitive overload of grief

This effort to rebuild mental maps doesn’t just feel exhausting - it literally drains your brain’s energy reserves. Neuroplasticity - rewiring the brain’s neural circuits and functions - takes effort and energy.

The hippocampus tries to remap memories, the amygdala amplifies the emotional weight and significance of the loss, and the prefrontal cortex steps in to regulate the flood of signals.

But grief doesn’t stay neatly compartmentalised - it activates networks across the brain, pulling resources from everything else and sending normal functions out of whack.

For me, that meant shutting down. After I lost my dad, I couldn’t stop sleeping or more accurately, passing out. My brain and body shut down because they couldn’t handle the load.

I’d fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day and no matter how much I rested, the deep bone-tiredness wouldn’t lift for months.

Even basic tasks like answering an email felt monumental. It was as if my brain had put up a closed for repairs sign, and I had no choice but to wait.

For my neighbour, who lost her dad a month later, it was the opposite. She couldn’t sleep, staying busy during the day but unable to switch off her mind at night.

This isn’t just about feeling sad - it’s about your brain running on fumes. Without intentional rest and recovery, grief leaves you vulnerable to burnout.

If grief is your brain relearning how to exist, it needs a large amount of neuroplasticity to realign predictions to your new reality.

This process needs rest and sleep to happen properly and efficiently. Not just in grief but at any time. No wonder your memory sucks and you can’t learn new habits when you’re burnt out.

Prioritising sleep is important, but particularly if you are trying to change your life, habits or build emotional fitness.

Notice where your energy is going - are you spending it avoiding grief, or on small steps toward healing?

Other brain impacts in grief

And the effects don’t stop there. Grief doesn’t just touch one part of your brain - it’s a whole-brain experience.

The Default Mode Network (DMN), which helps you reflect and imagine, goes into overdrive. It replays memories, runs “what if” scenarios, and imagines alternate realities, like a movie you can’t pause.

After losing my dad, I spent hours stuck in these loops, trying to solve a problem that couldn’t be solved.

• Did I call him often enough?

• Did I say the right things?

• Why was I so mean?

• What if I gave him COVID when I visited and that killed him?

I knew these thoughts weren’t helping, but my brain wouldn’t stop trying to find an answer that didn’t exist.

Then there’s cortisol, the hormone that floods your system under stress, particularly in the early days of grief. It’s there to help you weather the storm, but when cortisol levels stay high, it can suppress memory and impair emotional regulation.

Those first weeks after my dad’s passing are a blur - I barely remember who I spoke to or what I did.

Chronic cortisol release also weakens your immune system, disrupt sleep, and leave you vulnerable to toxic stress or burnout.

This is especially the case if you rely on avoidance or unhealthy coping mechanisms to get through. It might help in the moment, but gets in the way of recovery over time.

Grief asks so much from you because it’s about more than losing someone in space and time - it’s about trying to hold onto the connection you built with them.

It’s hard to reconcile the emotional closeness that shaped your life when they’re gone.

Rest, connection, and small moments of self-compassion aren’t just indulgences - they’re essential. They’re what allow your brain to adapt and rebuild, one step at a time.

Grief, burnout, and unhealthy coping

Grief amplifies predictive errors, forcing the brain to reconcile mismatches between expectation and reality.

Every small reminder of absence - a song, a location or even a familiar scent - triggers a fresh error, consuming cognitive and emotional energy.

This relentless effort leaves us drained, and grief’s impact extends beyond emotion. It disrupts interconnected systems, like the stress response, emotional regulation, and sleep cycles.

In my experience and in working with stressed-out leaders, I’ve seen how grief fuels unhealthy coping strategies.

Avoidance might look like overworking, numbing emotions, or staying constantly busy (like being The Busy Bee or The Marching Soldier burnout patterns).

While these strategies offer short-term relief, they leave unresolved grief stuck in the system, creating a vicious cycle of chronic stress and burnout.

Often we don't connect the dots, which is why coaching and talking to others is so valuable.

Avoidance delays the inevitable and compounds grief, fatigue and the connection with ourselves and others.

Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barratt says “the body keeps the score, but the brain is the scorecard”. The challenge - and the opportunity - is to face grief and use your energy to heal your mind, brain and body rather than avoid.

Key takeaways

Grief, bereavement and loss are a part of life. It's painful but ultimately unavoidable.

We shouldn't be afraid of difficult emotions though, and managing our energy as well as emotional fitness helps us work through challenges.

Self-awareness is hard when we're grieving and overwhelmed, but managing your physical needs, like energy management, supports your emotional ones.

Stay alert to unhelpful coping strategies so you don't compound grief with chronic stress and burnout patterns.

Here are 5 practical solutions to explore when navigating grief:

1. Grief demands energy so manage it wisely

   1. Grieving isn’t just emotional; it’s mentally and physically exhausting as your brain works to update its mental maps and predictions.

   2. Prioritise rest, set realistic expectations, and practice self-care to preserve your energy for this demanding process.

   3. Remember rest is mandatory for successful neuroplasticity.

2. Engage in rewarding activities

   1. Your brain’s reward system remains tied to the lost relationship, making it harder to move forward.

   2. Introduce new sources of meaning and joy - creative pursuits, hobbies, or meaningful projects - to help your brain form fresh neural pathways for reward and fulfilment.

   3. Creative expression helped me immensely when words failed.

3. Face grief, don’t avoid it forever

   1. Avoidance keeps the brain stuck in unresolved prediction errors, prolonging distress. Sure, protect yourself for a time, but don’t prolong the fear you feel.

   2. Engage with grief intentionally through safe practices like journalling, therapy, or memory rituals, allowing your brain to process and adapt to the loss.

   3. Create a new reality to honour your loss.

4. Seek social connection

   1. Isolation amplifies the emotional toll of grief, while connection with the right people regulates it.

   2. Sharing your experience with trusted individuals or support groups drives oxytocin release, calming your brain and making grief easier to bear.

5. Build forward, not backward

   1. Prolonged grief makes it feel impossible to imagine life beyond loss. Our internal mental maps get stuck and don’t refresh with reality.

   2. Focus on values-based actions and goals that honour your loved one while fostering personal growth and renewal.

   3. This helps your brain adapt and find purpose without erasing the bond you’ve lost.

Grief isn’t just emotional - it’s a cognitive and physiological process that demands energy.

Understanding this helps process grief in a healthier way and prevent inadvertent burnout. It’s a relearning process so don’t remain stuck in the past.

Connect to what matters and a create a legacy for yourself and those you’ve lost.

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